


I'm Tryna Understand These Days

by Jetrocketboy



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Major Character Injury, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-09-05 21:10:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20279866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jetrocketboy/pseuds/Jetrocketboy
Summary: As Callum struggles with his decision to get married, he unwillingly pushes Ben away. But when he ends up calling it off and finding himself unbearably alone, he'll learn just how big of a mistake that was.(Diverts from canon before the whole wedding and stag-do drama.)





	1. My Walls Were Just Too Thick

**Author's Note:**

> So, my keyboard fell and somehow I wrote this at 2 am. I was struck with an idea for a story with these two idiots in love, and I really could not wait to get started. This is my first piece with Ben and Callum, but I hope you guys enjoy nonetheless. :)
> 
> Also on my tumblr @captainjetrocketboy

The wedding was supposed to happen in less than a week.

Callum kept telling himself that he had to do it. He needed to make sure Whitney would get the life that she deserved. Not even if it meant he had to give up his.

There was a voice in the back of his head that was getting louder and louder as the days ticked by. It kept telling him to stop this before it got out of hand. To call off the wedding before anyone got hurt. To tell the truth to Whitney, who had every right to know the kind of person he was. To apologize to Ben for putting him through this.

Ben… Oh, Ben…

The man was a complete mystery to him. He would saunter into Callum’s vision, some snide taunt on the tip of his tongue. He would constantly wind him up with some sarcastic comment or joke dripping with innuendo. Ben could be an outright dick, and he wore that arrogance like it was some shining gold medal.

Callum should hate him. Ben’s offered every reason for him to despise his guts.

But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t bring himself to do that.

No matter how much Ben annoyed him, or how poor of a listener he was, Callum would always feel some kind of pull towards the other man. In just a few short weeks, Ben had managed to see through the massive walls he had put up around himself. It had been so easy for him to figure it out, to see that little spark of desire in Callum’s eyes when he’d been pinned to that wall. He still doesn’t know how he could do such a thing. Was he truly that obvious when he hesitated? Or was Ben just really good at sniffing out the gay in people?

Callum would admit to feeling some sort of attraction that day. But as soon as he realized it, he pushed it down. Pushed it back so hard into the depths of his heart, where it wouldn’t ever see the light of day. And after some tears were shed, and a reassuring hug from Whitney, he thought he would be fine. What happened in that moment didn’t mean anything.

What a fool he was to think that.

Because here he was now, sat on the couch of his flat—the one that he shared with his fiancée—thinking about how desperate he was for Ben. He wanted to feel his rough, yet tender hands cup his face. He wanted his strong arms to hold him tight, as if he could shatter at any moment. He wanted those deep blue eyes to look at his lips as he went in for a kiss. 

Callum just wanted Ben.

He couldn’t, though. He shouldn’t. Not when it’s so close to the wedding. Callum knew that he would break under the pressure Ben would put on him. He knew that whatever Ben had to say to him, it would work, and make him consider calling it all off. With just the slightest of touches, Ben would show Callum how big of a mistake he was making. 

But then that was the thing, wasn't it? This whole situation was a huge mistake, a hasty decision wrought by Callum’s own turmoil. If Callum had been braver, he would have admitted to Whitney that he was gay instead of asking her to marry him. At least then, the hurt wouldn’t be as bad. Sure, she might have fought or yelled, but in the end, she would have accepted it and moved on.

It was too late for that now. How was he supposed to break the news days before her wedding? Moments away from what was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives? How could she ever move on from that?

Either way, he’d suffer from the knowledge that he’d hurt one of his closest friends. Whitney had been there for so long, had supported him from the moment he moved to Walford. She made him happy, and he could only hope that he made her feel the same way.

So why was it that after knowing Ben for not even a year, the other man had managed to make Callum happier—more alive—than the woman he was about to marry? The universe may work in mysterious ways, but no doubt it was especially cruel to Callum.

He sometimes let himself think of what it would be like. What his future would be if he and Ben were to get together properly. Ben would still push his buttons, but it wouldn’t bother Callum in the slightest. They’d mess around with each other, laughing as they shared a home-cooked meal together. In bed, after they’d done the deed, he’d hold onto Ben, falling asleep as they cuddled. He could even see himself co-parenting Lexi, the sweet little girl who had taken up so much from her father. They could be a real family. A family that Callum so terribly wanted to be a part of.

A soft knock had managed to pull him out of his fantasies. Callum frowned, wondering who could be here at such a late hour. He quickly wiped away at his tears, hoping to get rid of any trace of his crying before answering whoever was there. With one more deep breath, Callum opened the door.

It was the last person he expected to see.

But it was also the first person he wanted to see.

“Hiya,” Ben whispered. He was leaning on the edge of the doorway, hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket. Callum noticed how Ben wasn’t quite meeting his eye. He tried not to be bothered by it.

Callum was silent for a moment, shocked and a bit relieved to see Ben. When he did finally speak, his voice was low and wavered. “Ben… what’re ya doin’ here?”

“Just wanted to come see ya.” Ben didn’t sound right. He must’ve been drinking tonight. He bit his lip before continuing. “Can I come in?”

Callum realized he hadn’t moved to let Ben in. It almost felt like he was rooted in place. “Um… yeah, yeah. Whit’s stayin’ with Tiff until… y’know.”

Ben only nodded as he omitted that last part.

The two made their way into the flat, both moving slowly under the suddenly tense air. Ben seemed he was trying his hardest not to look at Callum as he spoke. “Everything alright?”

Callum didn't want to lie. Not to Ben. He wanted to tell him that nothing about this was alright. But of course, his mouth had moved before he could think right. “Yeah, course it is.”

On any other day, Callum would have expected some kind of sarcastic rebuttal at his obvious lie. But right now, Ben must not have the energy to. He watched as the other man shut his eyes as he drew a ragged breath. “I know you don’t mean that, Callum.”

“Ya don’t know me that well then, cos I do mean it.” His heart was pleading and begging for his brain to stop lying. Why was he doing this to Ben? Why did he suddenly become defensive when Ben wasn’t even pushing him?

“Callum, please…”

“I know what you’re gonna say Ben. I don’t need to hear it again.”

Ben’s face was still scrunched up, his brows furrowed together as his lips turned downward. “Clearly, ya do! Are you really going through with this mad wedding?” 

“Yes, I am.” Callum’s chest started to ache, and he knew exactly why it was. His heart was pounding, his eyes stung with leftover tears. But his head just kept on with the lie. “And nothin’ you say is going to change my mind.” 

Ben shook his head, his own eyes becoming glossy. He took some steps forward, closing what felt like a chasm between them. It was Callum’s turn to close his eyes, to refuse to look right into those beautiful pools of blue. He felt a calloused hand cup the side of his damp face. A thumb stroked along his jawline. “Don’t listen to my words, then.”

All too suddenly did Callum feel another set of lips on his. They were warm and soft, just how he remembered. The remnants of alcohol lingered on Ben’s mouth, but Callum didn’t care. At least, not in the moment. He let himself lean into the kiss, wanting to commit to memory how good it felt. How much it made Callum want more.

But then his hands were pushing on Ben’s broad chest. They pushed until Ben was forced to take a step back, their mouths abruptly separating. Callum tried to ignore the guilt he felt as he heard a whimper from the other man. 

“We… we can’t be doin’ this anymore.”

“But Callum—”

“No!” He hadn’t meant to shout. He saw the smallest of flinches come from Ben, but it was there. “I’m… I’m marrying Whit, and that’s final.”

Ben didn’t try to hide his hurt. It must’ve been the drinks in him. He always did get more emotional when he was a tad drunk. “You can’t be serious… You’re lyin’... I know you are!”

“I… I’m sorry, Ben. I really am… But—”

“Well, you can’t be that sorry if ya spittin’ lies right in my face!”

“But this has to end. Now.”

Ben tried to move towards him again, but Callum just took another step back. Ben’s arms fell to his side. “So what? You think I’d just walk away from this? From us?”

Callum couldn’t stop himself from yelling now. “There is no us! And there ain’t gonna be one!”

“Callum—”

“I mean it Ben!”

“Please, I know we can work if you’d just give us a chance!”

“Just leave me alone!”

“I can’t! I love you!”

A blanket of silence befell them. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of Callum’s lungs. His legs were weak, and he almost thought his dinner would make its way up his throat. His ears must have betrayed him. Surely, he didn’t just hear what he thought he did.

Callum could only look at Ben with wide eyes and an open mouth. The other man wasn’t any better, as he dropped his head down. “I… I love ya.”

Every fiber in Callum’s body was telling him to say something. To tell Ben that he wasn’t the only one. To say that he loved him, too.

But nothing of the sort could escape the confines of his throat. Any words of his seemed to be stuck, except for the ones that he hated himself for saying.

“I think you should go. And don’t think of coming back.”

Callum chanced one last glance at Ben, and the sight was enough to break his heart tenfold. All of that confidence, that boldness, was nowhere to be found. In its place was an expression of true pain. No longer was there a fire in those eyes, doused by the flow of tears that streamed down the sides of Ben’s face. He could see his hands tremble before they were hastily stuffed into his pockets.

Without another word, Ben turned on his heel and rushed out the door. Callum flinched as he heard it slam against the frame.

Now that he was alone, the gravity of what just happened had settled in. Ben had confessed his love for Callum, and he had pushed him away yet again. What the hell was wrong with him? Why hadn’t he been able to say it back? 

Why did he just tell the man that he loves to never come back?

With no other soul around to watch him, Callum trudged to the couch, his body on autopilot, and collapsed onto the cushions. He curled inward, wrapping his arms around his legs. Finally, in the darkness of his loneliness, he allowed himself to cry.

He didn’t think it was possible to hate himself more than he already did.


	2. Can't Regret the Things I Don't Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum finally manages to get the truth out. Now that he's unchained from marriage, will he seek out Ben to rekindle what they had?

Turned out Callum’s braver than he thought.

Or at least, he was foolish enough to admit to Whitney what’s got him so on edge. He wasn’t that bold quite yet, so he opted for a sort of half-truth. He confessed that he wasn’t worthy of being married to a woman like her. She was wonderful, smart, and deserving of only the best. Callum told her that he couldn’t give her what she really needed; a man that would treat her right and love her unconditionally.

Thing is, Callum left out what was probably the most important part of his confession. Whitney was, to be expected, very upset at what he was telling her. She had tears welling up in her eyes, and her arms were waving about as she demanded why. While there was hurt and pain conveyed through her voice, Callum thought he could hear traces of concern. 

Of course Whitney would still be worried about his own troubles, despite her husband-to-be wanting to call their marriage off. She really was something else entirely. Something he wished to strive for someday.

But he couldn’t give a reason. It’s not that he didn’t have one. He knew exactly what—or rather, who—made him reconsider his decisions. Their name was only three little letters long, but Callum didn’t have it in him to say it out loud. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his, so he wanted to keep all the blame on him. Even though the other man played a large part in his epiphany, it was Callum who so stupidly waited until the last minute to finally do something about it.

So instead, he simply told her that there was no reason. It was just what he felt in his heart. He truly did love her, and he hadn’t been lying when he would say as much. But he couldn’t love her in the way that she would want. In the way that either of them wanted. 

As Whitney calmed down a bit, it looked like she was really trying to get her head around what he’s just admitted. Eventually, she told him that his explanation was good enough for now. It was apparently more than she expected Callum to tell her, considering she knew how he could get at times. 

He didn’t know if it was right to feel relieved, but it was what Callum felt as he watched Whitney take off the engagement ring he had given her. She handled the piece of jewelry with care, and she had shut her eyes closed as she slowly placed it atop the nightstand. The purple gem inside glinted in the setting sun’s light. 

Callum could only stand back, leaning on the door, as he watched Whitney pack up her things through his own tears. She said she was going to stay with Tiffany for a while. Didn’t say how long, but he knew this was it for them. She would come back eventually for more answers, though they both agreed that they could use the space to put things into perspective.

He helped her carry her things downstairs up until they reached the front door of the parlour. He set the bags down at her feet, and they just stood there for a moment. Frozen in place, as if neither wanted to let the other person go. Callum might not have wanted to marry Whitney, but she was still an amazing friend. He hoped he made her happy. It was the least he could do in return after all she’s done to make him happy.

They said their goodbyes, and after what felt like an eternity, Whitney made her leave.

As he watched her go, he let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. His entire body was shaking, and once he closed the door, he slid down to the floor with his back to it, he legs suddenly weak.

It was done. The wedding was off.

Even though Callum couldn’t say everything he really wanted to say, he’ll take this one tiny step as a big victory for the future. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy that feeling of being a bit closer to freedom. He could take pride in his moment of bravery. It gave him hope that, someday, he’ll be able to live a life that’s worth living. One where he can be genuinely happy. One where he doesn’t have to lie to anyone about who he is.

As he sat there recollecting himself, his mind wandered to a certain someone. No doubt Ben would be proud of him for finally taking a step in the right direction. For finally standing up for himself. That thought alone made his heart start to race again. It was the good kind, though. The kind that was accompanied by the butterflies. The kind that got him excited with want and need for the other man.

He was about to head back upstairs to grab his phone. He wanted to tell Ben the news, and to have him be the first one to know.

But that was when he remembered.

Callum had pushed Ben away. For good.

Back was the crushing guilt that weighed on his whole being. He recalled how cruel—how vicious—he was to Ben that night. Ben, who had only wanted what was best for Callum. Ben, who had confessed his love. Ben, who Callum had loved back with all his heart.

That was the same Ben who Callum had told to never come back.

It had been probably five or six days since then. He really didn’t want to be counting the days, but his mind unconsciously kept track of how much time had passed by. He wasn’t sure if he should be grateful or disappointed that Ben had actually listened to what Callum had spat out. Of all the things he had to abide by, it just had to be Callum’s rejection.

He wasn’t really sure if Ben even wanted to hear what he had to say. 

There was that doubt again. The part of him that doubted any and all affection directed towards him. Surely, his brain was just tricking him into thinking that Ben would really just drop Callum like that. He was respecting Callum’s decision, even if it was a downright terrible one, and he should be appreciating that.

It didn’t mean that Ben wanted nothing to do with Callum anymore, though. Hell, the man had disclosed his love for him. There was no way those feelings could vanish at the snap of a finger.

The sun had made its descent, and the parlour had been cloaked in shadow. Callum wasn’t aware of how fast the day went by, seeing as how his conversation with Whitney seemed to last ages. But even if their relationship had to end, Callum was now that much closer to having one that meant so much more. A relationship where he could be himself.

He stood up, and steadily made his way back up to the now empty flat. He took another deep breath, and told himself that this was for the best. He undressed and collapsed on the bed. It seemed too big for a single person, but hopefully it won’t stay that way much longer.

If Ben wanted to talk to Callum, then he’d let him know. For now, Callum decided to let things settle down first. He needed to prepare for the inevitable talks with everyone else.

* * *

Some weeks later, Callum woke up to his alarm, along with the pitter-patter of rain outside the windows, his eyes fluttering open. It still didn’t feel quite real at that moment. Whitney was gone, he wasn’t getting married, and most importantly, after all this time, he had the opportunity to give Ben and him a proper chance. 

For the most part, the people who knew about the wedding were somewhat supportive of their choices, though he did receive some choice words from the obvious persons.

Still, he hadn’t heard from Ben at all since that one night. But Callum’s done waiting. He’d truly be a fool if he didn’t go for it soon.

But first things first, he had to apologize to Ben for their awful encounter. He just hoped Ben was still looking for an apology. That he could say sorry and, just like that, they’d be okay. Of course he knew it wouldn’t be that simple, but he was willing to go to great lengths to make Ben forgive him.

He was glad today was his day off from work. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to explain to Jay what was going on in his head. At least this way, he had an excuse to go out and see Ben, wherever he was. He thinks of all people, he deserved to be told by Callum personally, instead of him finding out from some stranger. He just hopes he hasn’t found out yet.

Callum swiftly got dressed in a simple button-down and dark jeans, but as he looked out the window to see the mild storm, he put on his military jacket over top. Looking around for his phone, he spotted it haphazardly thrown to the bedside table. He tried not to pay too much attention to the ring that still sat there next to the lamp. 

He shook his head, refocusing on the task at hand. He made his way down and out the building, opting to stand under the small awning that hung right outside the parlour as he stared down at his phone. His thumb lingered over Ben’s number, suddenly hesitating. He was so sure about this, though, and he wasn’t about to waste this chance.

But does Ben want to talk right now? What if he’s busy? Or out in the town with some other bloke?

Callum groaned in frustration at his own thoughts. He tried to tell himself to get it together, and just call him.

As he struggled with his inner self, Callum noticed someone hastily sprint towards him out of the corner of his eye. The bloke was probably just looking for shelter from the rain, if his pulled-up hoodie and downturned head was anything to go by.

Callum took a step back, and leaned his shoulder against the wall next to the door. The fella stopped to take a breather, obviously thankful for the bit of roof above him. He started to pat the leather jacket he had on top, trying his best to dry himself off.

Wait a minute… That jacket looked suspiciously similar to one that belonged to a certain someone. Come to think of it, the guy’s whole figure seemed familiar. His height, build, all of it. Could it really be him?

Callum’s questions were answered as the other man flipped his hoodie off, and he was greeted with a sight he’ll never get tired of. Ben Mitchell, and all of his beautiful features, was standing to the right of Callum. His face had a couple new scars, and all he wanted to do was kiss them away. He was actually here... What were the chances?

“B-Ben!” Callum accidentally let out, still shocked at the coincidence. Maybe the universe was finally working in his favor. “How have, uh... how’ve ya been?”

Ben didn’t turn to face Callum. Instead, his gaze was overseeing the square, not quite focused on anything in particular. Either Ben was ignoring him, or he honestly didn’t hear his stuttering somehow. Callum went with the latter and tried again.

“Ben? You alright? I haven’t seen ya in a while,” Callum spoke, this time with more confidence.

Ben's eyes were still wandering, but they caught a glimpse of Callum, and he finally turned to face him. At least he got Ben’s attention now. He gulped, that confidence quickly trickling away.

“Ya talkin’ to me?” Ben questioned as he continued to try to wipe himself dry.

Callum started to blush, not quite knowing why he was getting flustered. Seems the other man just has that kind of effect on him.

“Yeah, Ben. I was just comin’ to see ya. I wanted to—”

Ben held up a single hand, interrupting Callum. “Sorry, uh, but do I know ya?”

What the hell?

Callum’s mouth twitched upward. Was this some kind of prank? “C-Course you do, Ben. What’re ya playin’ at?”

As he pushed off the wall and met Ben’s eyes, he noticed something that was… missing. Something that he yearned for all day and all night. That feeling of desire that was always expressed whenever Ben was with Callum was just… not there anymore. His heart was really starting to beat fast now.

“I ain’t playin’ at anything.” Ben shook his head as he frowned. “But you seem to know me. Who are ya anyway? Were you a hookup, or were ya like a mate?”

Callum felt his stomach drop into a deep abyss. Why the hell was Ben doing this to him? Sure, he probably deserved some mean words from him, but this wasn’t what he was expecting. It was almost as if Ben genuinely didn’t know who Callum was. But that can’t be possible, right? How could he forget the man he loves in such a short time?

“No! Ben, I—”

Suddenly, a phone blared through the tense air between them. Ben reached into his pocket and fished out the device. His face was unreadable.

“Sorry mate, but that’s my cue to leave. Booty calls, as I like to say. Though, ya not bad yourself. Maybe I’ll see ya around.”

Ben gave one small wink as he sprinted back out into the rain. Before he could replace his hood over his head, Callum noticed a new scar along the back of his head. It was much larger than anything he’d seen on Ben.

So there Callum was left, all confused, hurt, and dumbstruck at the same time.

Something was definitely up with Ben, and Callum was going to get to the bottom of it. There was no way in hell that he was going to let Ben walk away this time.

If there was ever a time Callum wanted to brave, it would be now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A twist? And a cliffhanger?!
> 
> Also, I'd like to thank all of you readers for the support. It really does keep me motivated to write. Hope you're all enjoying this so far! :)


	3. Am I One of Those People You Remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum tries to figure out what's happened to Ben. He manages to have a conversation with Kathy, but is he ready for what she has to tell him?

Seems the universe loves to mess around with Callum.

He wanted to see if he could catch Ben by himself and get an explanation for earlier. He had watched him sprint towards The Prince Albert, and with some deliberation with his inner self, he started to follow suit. 

But he didn’t make it very far before bumping into Jay. The fellow seemed a bit stressed, as his brows were furrowed and his hands were jittery. Callum curiously asked what got him so worked up, but Jay hastily apologized and asked if he could cover his shift for a few hours.

Being the nice person that he was, Callum agreed with only some hesitance. He was still concerned about Ben, but if he really was just playing some sort of game with Callum, then maybe it would be best to give the man some space. At least this way, he could have some time to mull over what the fuck happened not moments ago. 

Jay graciously thanked him, and said that he would explain later. As he strode away, the worry in the back of Callum’s head reared its ugly face. What if it had something to do with Ben? Judging by how fast Jay had come and gone, it was obviously important, whatever it was.

Callum shook his head, and made his way back to the funeral parlour. Getting worked up about it would do him no good. He knew that Callum and Ben were mates at the least, so surely if it were about him, Jay would have at least mentioned it was about Ben. Jay’s business might not even have to do with him. They may be brothers but their lives aren’t totally linked together.

In the same vein, Ben’s life didn’t revolve around Callum’s, no matter how much he wants it to. He had regrettably chosen to push the other man away, and he shouldn’t be sticking his big ears into whatever is going on.

But as he got dressed back into his suit, his mind would not stop wandering back to Ben. He couldn’t get him out of his thoughts even with Whitney, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to now. Especially with how strange their encounter was this morning.

The day was slow, with not a single soul entering into the building. So with nothing to do, Callum let himself think.

Had he mistaken the identity of the bloke? In the short time that Callum had known Ben, he had memorized every little, minute feature of his face. Not that he’d tell anyone. The way his styled chestnut hair waved about in the wind. Those ocean blue eyes that Callum wanted to get lost in. His ever-present stubble that dotted along his sharp jaw. It was all there and accounted for, so the person was definitely Ben.

So then why hadn’t he recognized Callum? He didn’t even acknowledge his floundered greeting, or his presence at that matter. It wasn’t until Ben just happened to look in his direction did he finally notice him. And the way that he spoke, it was like he was talking to a stranger, and not the man that he confessed his love to.

God, that there was probably the worst part of it all, Callum thought. Ben had stared straight into his eyes, and there was just… nothing. No want. No desire. No love.

Whenever they would argue before, behind the fire that was alight in those piercing eyes, Callum had always seen that compassion. Not even the act of fighting was enough to quell the feelings he had for him. 

This time, though? There wasn’t any feeling or passion that Callum saw as Ben looked at him. All of it somehow vanished, and made way for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

That’s what hurt Callum the most. And maybe that’s what Ben wanted. He knew he was unnecessarily harsh to the other man that night, and he’s never regretted something more in his life. He had expected for Ben to hurt him back, to make him suffer the way he most likely had. And he would take it. Whatever nasty words Ben would snap at him, or whatever punches he would throw. Callum would accept it, because in the end it would be worth it. Eventually getting the chance to be with Ben would be worth it. Just Ben himself was worth all that pain.

But he hadn’t expected this. For Ben to completely forget about him. For him to be another passing face in the crowd. 

This can’t be some trick. Ben wouldn’t do this to him. Callum knows Ben. He _ sees _him, the real him. And the real Ben would never be this cruel to anyone.

With a surge of determination, Callum shot up from his chair and grabbed the nearest blank paper and pen. He wrote a simple message that the parlour’s employees were on break, and he taped it to the front door as he practically ran out. 

Something’s happened with Ben, and Callum’s going to find out what. Even if it means pushing for an answer out of Ben himself.

* * *

The afternoon sun was at its peak in the sky as Callum knocked on the door to the Beale house. He did the best he could with two cups of coffee in his hands. There was still worry gnawing at the back of his head, but hopefully Ben would be back by now. He’s not sure if he could handle any other member of his family, or explain why he was showing up at their doorstep so out of the blue.

But since the world is never so nice to Callum, the person who answers is not who he was expecting. He was greeted by Kathy Beale. Well, it could have been much worse, he thought.

“Hiya. Can I help you?”

“Um, good afternoon, Ms. Beale. I’m Callum Highway.” If his hands weren’t holding the coffees, he would have put his arm out for a handshake.

Kathy gave a small nod. “Well, pleasure to meet ya Callum. What brings you ‘round here?”

Callum’s fingers started to fidget with the cups’ cardboard sleeves. He’s not sure why he was getting nervous, but he didn’t let that stop his resolve. “Is, uh, Ben about? I got him some coffee. Thought we could… chat.”

“Oh, are you a friend of his?” Kathy questioned as she raised an eyebrow.

A _ friend_. The word didn’t sit right with Callum, but what other way could he describe his relationship to Ben? He couldn’t exactly say they were boyfriends, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Then I’m sorry to say, but he hasn’t come back yet. Said he was goin’ out to meet some lad.” Kathy stepped back and motioned for Callum to come in. “But you’re welcome to wait inside for him. Don’t know how long he’ll be out for, though. You know how he can get sometimes.”

Callum’s mouth started to form into a smile, and he nodded to the woman as he stepped into the house. 

He’s not entirely sure when he was here last. Ben had usually gone to Callum’s whenever Whitney was out. They were less likely to be found out there. But as he looked around the living room, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of comfort.

He set the cups down on the dining table, pulling back a chair and sitting down himself. Kathy had done the same right across from him.

“Think I could have one of these?” Kathy kindly asked. “Ben might not be here awhile, and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead,” Callum responded, hoping his anxiety wasn’t channeled through his voice.

Kathy gave him a smile as she took one of the coffees. She had a sip before speaking up again. “So what was it you wanted to chat to Ben about?”

Callum stiffened, his back straightening a bit. “Oh, uh, nothing in particular. Just wanted to catch up, is all. Haven’t seen him in a while, and I wanted to know if he was alright.”

Kathy let out a sigh, and set down the cup. “He’s been okay lately, considering the things he’s been through.”

Callum’s ears perked up at that. “What sort of things?”

“I’m guessing you haven’t heard? Ben got into an accident just a few weeks back. I think it was on the news, too.”

Callum could feel his heart drop right down into his stomach. He had been so busy dealing with the whole wedding fallout that he never got the chance to catch up on the local news. Maybe if he wasn’t, he could have helped Ben sooner.

“Accident? W-What kind of accident?” Callum’s voice started to waver a bit. He cleared his throat as he set his own cup back on the table.

“Car. He had driven off the road, before crossing the bridge, and fell near the River Thames.” Kathy seemed to quiver at remembering the thought. Callum felt guilty for bringing up bad memories, but he had to know more. “Thankfully, his car didn’t go too deep into the water. The first responders were able to get him out, but he had gotten badly hurt.”

Callum started to shake along with the woman in front of him. He hadn’t realized how serious the situation actually was, and he felt horrible for not being there for Ben and giving his support.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Beale. If I had known, I wouldn’t have made you relive that.” Callum carefully reached a hand out to rest on top of hers.

Kathy sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “No, it’s… it’s okay. I was scared, but I’m just glad my baby got out of it alive.”

“He’s a fighter, that Ben.” Callum gave a tiny grin. It was just another aspect of that man that made Callum love him even more.

“He sure is…” Kathy went back to drinking the coffee. Callum felt it was safe to drink his as well. “But, there is something that keeps bothering me.”

“What’s that? If ya don’t mind me askin’.”

“Well, it’s just that… the investigators said there weren’t anythin’ wrong with the car. It might have been old, sure, but it was working fine.”

Callum’s not sure where she was going with this, but he’s willing to hear her out if its got something to do with Ben’s current state.

“And… they said they couldn’t find any skid marks along the road… They’re sayin’ that Ben didn’t swerve into the river, and that he didn’t try to correct himself...”

Callum didn’t think it was possible for his heart to sink further into the chasm it fell into. What Kathy was suggesting… couldn’t be true. There was no way that Ben would ever do such a thing. Right?

“Y-You’re not sayin’ that he…”

“I honestly don’t know. There wasn’t a whole lot of evidence to prove it, but there weren’t anythin’ to suggest otherwise, either.”

“When... did this accident happen?” Callum wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer. Something in his gut was telling him it wasn’t going to be good for him.

“About two weeks ago. Around the end of August, I think.”

And there was the bombshell that erupted Callum’s entire being. His coffee was long forgotten as his grip tightened on the cup. If this accident happened near the end of August, then that would put it at around the same time as—

“Y’know, come to think of it, Ben’s mentioned ya a couple times. I don’t know if you two were close, but would you have any idea on why he’d even try summat like that?”

Callum couldn’t answer. Any words he had were trapped in his throat. How could he tell Kathy, Ben’s own mother, that he could have been the reason that Ben tried to… tried to end it all? The guilt was eating away at him, and it was unbearable. It was Callum’s fault. It was always his fault. If he hadn’t been so fiendish, if he hadn’t rejected Ben’s love, then maybe he wouldn’t have gone over the edge. 

It hadn’t hit Callum until then, that Ben could have died. He would’ve gone from this world, and Callum wouldn’t have even known. He’d be too busy struggling to tell Whitney that he didn’t want to get married to her, all the while completely unaware of Ben’s tormented state. Why didn’t he do something about it sooner?

The loud sound of the front door slamming open shocked Callum before he could spiral further. He looked behind him and saw that Ben had sauntered his way in.

“You alright, love?” Kathy called out after she took a deep breath. Callum was going to need more than a couple deep breaths to calm down.

“I can’t believe this! He stood me up! Made me wait like an hour or two at The Prince Robert.” Ben huffed, crossing his arms.

“Albert.” Kathy corrected.

Ben started to make his way towards the stairs. “Right, sorry. Ugh, I was lookin’ forward to some mindless fun today.”

Out of the corner of Callum’s eye, he saw Kathy roll her eyes. “Ben, you really think that’s a good idea after just comin’ back from hospital? I mean, you haven’t fully recovered your—”

“I’m fine now, mum, alright?” Ben turned to face Kathy, and that must’ve been when he noticed that there was another person in the room. “Hey, you’re that bloke I saw earlier. You lookin’ for some action?”

“Ben! Is that how you treat all your mates?” Kathy berated.

“Mate? Is that what you are?” Ben shifted his eyes from his mother to Callum. 

Callum squirmed uncomfortably in the wooden chair. “Um, yeah. We’re… mates.”

Ben chuckled as a confused expression lined his face. “Didn’t think I’d make new friends since comin’ back. Oh well.”

Ben was about to go up to his room, but was stopped by Callum’s words.

“Do you, uh, want to get lunch, or summat? I mean, now that you have the day free?”

Ben’s face scrunched up as he pursed his lips. “Nah, I’m a bit knackered. My head’s killin’ me. But maybe tomorrow? You can tell me all about how terrible a friend I was.”

“Actually… you weren’t. Not to me, at least.”

Ben scoffed. “Yeah, alright.”

As Ben proceeded up the stairs, Callum was left hurt once again, but he was determined to find out the truth now more than ever. He might not remember him now, but hopefully, he’ll change that soon. He knows it’s not going to be easy, but when has that ever gotten in the way between Ben and Callum?


	4. I Say the Wrong Shit at the Right Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum finds himself talking to both Jay and Ben in the same day. Can he handle what either of them say to him?

If Callum thought yesterday was grueling, then today would be considered torturous.

He didn’t think it was possible, but work felt even slower. Anyone would lose their mind if they were sat where Callum was, having absolutely nothing to do other than try to balance his pen on his upper lip. He promised Jay that he’d look after the place while he was out again, but he thought he was going to drop dead from boredom. The irony wasn’t lost on Callum.

His mind was all over the place, but one constant was a single, haughty individual. His words played over in Callum’s head, particularly about how he had offered to see him tomorrow. Ben might have been joking around, but nothing about this was a joke to Callum. 

How could it be? His entire world was practically shattered after finding out a tiny detail, yet huge revelation, about Ben’s accident. He didn’t exactly have all the answers yet, but what Kathy had told him yesterday was enough to make his heart tremble with a crushing guilt. Not only did she place the accident right around the time he and Ben had their falling out, but she also revealed the horrible nature of the crash.

“_There weren’t anythin’ wrong with the car… couldn’t find any skid marks… he didn’t try to correct himself…_” Kathy’s words echoed. They sent a chilling shiver down his spine, and his lungs were having a hard time receiving air.

It wasn’t just any sort of car accident. It was probably the worst kind that could happen to a person.

Ben’s accident was caused by himself. He had wanted to go down into that river, for a reason that Callum didn’t know or understand.

Well, that’s a bit of a lie. Something Callum’s apparently good at even when its just in his head. He had a big suspicion on what Ben’s reason was, and he could understand it to an extent. What he could not comprehend, though, was why Ben had actually gone and done it. What had convinced the poor man to take that leap off the edge?

Was there something, anything, that Callum could have done to stop it from ever happening?

As his breathing worsened and his body shuddered, the pen that he had forgotten about fell from its perch on his mouth and dropped down onto his desk. Callum winced at, what was to him, the crashing sound of metal colliding with wood.

He leaned forward onto the table in front of him, his face concealed by his shaking hands. He felt how much he was perspiring, the drips of sweat mixing with the salty tears that steadily traveled along his cheeks.

Callum was focusing so heavily on calming his nerves that he didn’t hear the front door open. His breaths were hardly even when a voice cut through the sob-filled silence.

“You alright? What’s happened?”

It was Jay. As if it couldn’t get worse. Now he had to somehow explain his troubled state.

Callum quickly wiped away at his eyes, and looked up with as much confidence as he could muster. “It’s… it’s nothing. You don’t need to worry ‘bout it.”

“It clearly ain’t nothing,” Jay scoffed as his brows furrowed. He had a small box in his hands, and he placed it gently down on the desk as he carefully approached Callum. “Does this have to do with Whitney?”

If only. As terrible as Callum felt about thinking it, the whole situation would be so much easier to deal with if it had involved Whitney instead of Ben.

“W-What?”

Jay sighed as he placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay to miss her, y’know. She must’ve meant a lot to ya.”

He wasn’t wrong, the woman did mean a lot to Callum. But not as much as a certain someone else did. She couldn’t even come close.

“Right, yeah. I do miss her,” Callum whimpered. It wasn’t a complete lie. “But I’m getting through it.”

Jay gave a tiny smile and little squeeze of his hand, before moving behind Callum towards the filing cabinet.

“Sorry I’ve been out of the office lately. I’ve just been sorting things out with hospital.”

With another deep, shaky breath, Callum swiveled around to face the other man. “Hospital? Has it got to do with Ben?”

A look of confusion spread across Jay’s face. “Um, it does, actually. How’d ya figure that out?”

Callum gulped. “I-I spoke with, uh, Ms. Beale yesterday. I was lookin’ for Ben, but he wasn’t home, so she let me wait there for him.”

“So ya know, then? Did she say anything ‘bout Ben’s…”

Callum closed his eyes for a moment as he nodded. “Ben’s accident… yeah, I know.”

Jay exhaled a sigh. “I meant to tell ya, Cal. But family had to come first, and I needed to be there for my brother while he recovered. It was the least I could do.”

“No, I understand. Ya don’t need to apologize.”

“And I swear I would’ve told ya. It was just that… there were complications with Ben’s treatment… and he…” Jay was struggling with his words. He looked like he was trying his hardest to keep his composure. “There’s a lot that he doesn’t remember… the accident, what made him do it…”

Callum’s head drooped down. “And me…”

“Yeah…” Jay rubbed at his eyes, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s why I couldn’t say anythin’ before. I didn’t want to worry ya until we knew more. I know you and Ben were mates, close ones at that.” 

There was that word again. Callum shuddered in his chair. 

“But sometimes I wonder if I had something to do with it. I shouldn’t have brushed off his problems when they were clearly botherin’ him.”

Callum then stood up, and it was his turn to place a hand on Jay’s arm. “Hey, nothin’ about this is your fault. It ain’t anyone’s. You didn’t make Ben do what he did.”

“I didn’t do anythin’ to stop it though, either. I should have noticed something was up. Some brother I am, eh?”

He was at a loss for words. He wasn’t really sure how to make the situation better. Hell, he’s a massive hypocrite himself, as he also partially blames his own actions for pushing Ben too far. Guess they were in the same sinking boat, huh?

Both men succumbed to the silence that engulfed them, neither knowing what else to say. Callum released his grip on the man in front of him, and slowly turned back to his desk. That was when the plain black box that still sat there soon caught his attention.

“Um, is this from hospital then?” Callum curiously questioned, pointing at the small object.

Jay spun around to look at what Callum was asking about. “Yeah, that’s Ben’s new hearing aid. He lost the last one when… y’know.”

Hearing aid? Did he hear that correctly? Oh god, was that another one of the consequences from the crash? Had it caused so much damage to make Ben partially deaf? “What? Don’t tell me that was because of the accident?”

“No, actually. Ben’s always had to have a hearing aid. He doesn’t like to talk about it much.”

The relief of Jay’s assurance made his heart race a little less. He doesn’t know if he could handle one more injury he caused to Ben.

“Oh… well, um, I can take it to him for ya, if you want.”

“Cal, ya don’t have to do that.”

“No, it’s okay. I want to. Gives me an excuse to go see him.” Callum was already gathering his things as he continued. “It’s a slow day, anyway, so ya might be able to catch a break. I’m losing my right mind just sitting here.”

Jay smiled weakly, and made his way to sit in the just abandoned chair. “Cheers, mate. I owe you a drink someday.”

Callum gave his best smile back, and was just about to leave before Jay spoke up once more.

“Just… just try not to expect too much, yeah?”

* * *

With a quick pace, Callum made his way to the Beale house for the second day in a row. What once was a comforting sight now only wrought dread within him. He’s not entirely sure what he wants to say to Ben, but right now he’s just yearning for his presence.

He lightly knocked on the door with one hand, while the other tightly clutched onto the black box that supposedly contained Ben’s new hearing aid.

A couple seconds went by, and Callum tried knocking once more, this time with a little more force. Then he knocked for a third time. Then a fourth time.

Callum was almost thinking of giving up before the door finally started to slowly inch open. He stepped back, and almost tripped on the air behind him as the sight in front of him struck him hard to the core.

It was Ben who answered. He was wearing nothing but a dark-colored dressing gown and bright-red boxer briefs. A pair of thin-rimmed glasses adorned his face, too. Callum was surprised to see them there. He wasn’t aware that Ben needed them, just like he hadn’t known about his hearing problems. Seems there’s a lot Ben never mentioned to him. He’s not entirely sure why. It didn’t change how Callum felt about him. The glasses especially were a nice addition to his already beautiful face.

“Well, well, well, if it ain’t my stalker. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Callum’s mouth was agape. It was like he had forgotten how to speak. He continued to gaze at the wonderful man in front of him, his heart pounding hard against his chest. Through the gap in the dressing gown, his eyes traveled along the powerful muscles of Ben’s surprisingly hairless torso, seeing patches of purple bruising in places they shouldn’t be in. Callum wanted to kiss them away. Eventually, he landed on the very apparent bulge that contrasted well against the brightly colored underwear.

“Oi! My eyes are up here, ya know? All four of ‘em.” Callum was pulled out of his fantasies just in time to catch Ben rolling his eyes. “Unless... that puts you off, too.”

“No!” Callum clucked. It came out of his mouth way too quickly for his liking. Ben only smirked as they finally made eye contact. “You… uh… look good. Very f-fit.”

Ben chuckled at his stumbling choice of words. “Did ya come here just to poorly flirt with me, or what? I’ve got a nice bed callin’ my name.”

“R-Right, Jay was goin’ to give this to ya, but I said I’d do it for him.” Callum explained as he held out the black box to Ben.

Seems the other man instantly knew what it was, judging by how he had essentially snatched it from Callum’s hands. “Did he tell ya what it was?”

“Yeah, he did. Why—”

“That’s private business! He had no right to tell the likes of you.”

Hurt flashed through Callum’s expression. It’s been a long time since he’s been subject to Ben’s snappy mouth, and not in the good way. The other man must’ve noticed, because he steadily returned to a somewhat neutral state.

“Well, thanks anyway. See ya around.”

Before Ben had the chance to shut the door, Callum pushed it back with his hand. “Do ya still fancy lunch with me? It’ll be my treat.”

Ben’s trademark smirk quickly overtook the confused look he had given Callum. “I suppose. But I doubt the treats will be as tasty as you.”

Callum blushed a deep red as he saw Ben reenter the house to change. He’ll take that response as a yes, then.

It’s a few minutes later that the two men find themselves in the café, both chowing down on the delicious food. Neither had spoken a word as they walked to the place. The air between felt a little tense, at least to Callum, but it wasn’t all bad. He was just grateful to finally be in the same place as Ben again. Even if the circumstances were less than desirable.

“So what’s the deal with ya, anyway?” Ben asked as he chewed his food. “You always wear that ill-fitting suit? I bet you’re hiding a rockin’ bod under that.”

Callum could only really laugh at Ben’s comment. It felt nice, really. To feel that genuine happiness he always felt around the man. “I’m an undertaker at the funeral parlour. I work with your brother, Jay.”

“Really?” Ben raised a finger to his chin, and pretended to be in deep thought. “Come to think of it, he did mention a coworker. I forget his name, though. I reckon it started with a ‘C’... Calvin?”

“Callum. Callum Highway.” He was still smiling as he corrected him.

“Callum…” Ben slowly said, as if testing the name on his own tongue. “And I remember ya sayin’ that we’re mates?”

Callum shifted in his seat, and swallowed before he could choke on it. “Yeah. At least, we were, before your…”

He’s not sure if it’s appropriate to bring up such a sensitive topic. The last thing he wants to do is scare Ben away.

“Right, about that… I am sorry for not remembering ya. Judgin’ from this,” Ben waved a hand between them. “Seems we were on good terms. Not everyone would wanna spend their lunch with scum like me.”

Callum frowned. He knew how little Ben thought of himself, but hearing it out loud again was like a punch to the gut. “Ya not scum, Ben.”

“A lot of folks would have to disagree with you on that, mate.”

They resumed eating their meals in relative quiet. Callum kept sneaking glances at the man in front of him. Ben still had his glasses on, but Callum paid no mind. They only brought out his eyes even more. If things were just a bit different, he would have appreciated how normal it felt. Having lunch with his boyfriend on a Thursday afternoon. It was a prospect that he yearned for every passing moment.

It was just a shame that this moment was nothing of the sort. They were supposed to be mates right now. Nothing more, nothing less. It bothered Callum to no end, if he was being honest.

“So what do you remember? About the… accident? If you’re fine talking ‘bout it.”

Ben sighed as he wiped his mouth clean with a napkin. “There ain’t much to say. Apparently I fell into the River Thames, and my face got all banged up. Some broken ribs, too.” Ben turned slightly and pointed to the scar that Callum had noticed yesterday. “I also got this wicked cut on the back of me head.” 

Callum winced as he got a closer look at it. It ran across a large expanse of skin, hair no longer growing around it. He doesn’t want to picture how it looked when it was fresh.

“How… how bad was it?”

Ben shook his head. “Doctors said it was pretty deep, so they had to put me on all these drugs while they tried to fix it. Then when I woke up, I couldn’t remember anything ‘bout the accident. Or even what happened before.”

“What’s the last thing you do remember?”

“I was… I was walkin’ out of my house to see Jay and Lola at The Vic. I spoke to Jay about that, too. He said that was probably around mid-April or summat. I’m guessin’ I met ya after that, huh?”

Callum could only mindlessly nod. He tried to recall that day in his mind, and the image was as clear as day. Ben had sauntered into the pub, all loud and confident. That really was the first time they met. Callum cursed at the universe. It was almost as if it was deliberately trying to make Ben forget about him.

“But, hey, that’s enough about me.” Ben said with a lighter tone, trying to lift the mood back up. “What about you, huh? Anythin’ else I should know about ya?”

Callum struggled on what to say next. There were so many things Ben needed to know about him—things Callum wanted Ben to know—but he wasn’t sure where to start. He supposes the best place to begin is with the truth. 

“You, uh, you helped me find the real me. Ya helped me come out… as gay.” Callum thinks this is the first time he’s ever said the word in front of Ben.

Ben’s smile grew, and he jumped in his seat with excitement. “Ah! There it is! Knew there had to be more to ya than meets the eye. I wouldn’t just become mates with any other boring bloke. So go on! What happened?”

“W-Well, you just… helped me get out of a bad situation.”

With no further explanation, Ben squinted his eyes at Callum, but his smile remained. “What, that’s it? Doesn’t really sound like me, though, eh? Bein’ all gooey and nice.”

“It’s the truth.” Just not the full truth, Callum reminded himself.

Ben scoffed, then looked at his watch. “I think I should do one. Get to the car lot and all. These medical bills don’t pay for themselves.”

“Okay.” Callum watched as Ben stood. “It was nice catching up with ya, Ben. I, uh, missed being ‘round ya.”

Callum mentally kicked himself. He hadn’t meant for that to come out like it did. But it didn’t seem to phase Ben in the slightest.

“It was nice talkin’ to ya, too, Callum. Quite the change for me, innit? Having a chat with someone who doesn’t wanna bash me skull in. Well, I’ll see ya.”

Callum was glued to his seat as he let Ben walk away.

This was really going to take some getting used to. It was like they were back at square one. All that progress, and how close they had gotten, was just erased. Not for Callum, though. He loves Ben too much to let it stay this way for much longer. If Ben truly didn’t remember Callum, nor his feelings for him, then he’d just have to make Ben fall back in love with him.


	5. Pictures of Guys Are Not for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben reflects on his new mate Callum. His mind is telling him one thing, but his heart is telling him another...

Ben knows when someone is trying to get into his pants.

And, well… he knows Callum is trying. He’s just terribly poor at it.

It was all Ben could really focus on while he helped some old folks buy out a car. Both their raspy and hoarse voices were nothing more than white noise to him, his mind wandering far off into his subconscious. As soon as the papers were signed and they were out the door, Ben leaned back into his chair and thought about this ‘Callum’ fellow.

They’ve settled into a sort of routine. They’d have lunch together almost everyday. Didn’t matter if Callum had work or not, he seemed to always have time to spend with Ben.

Apparently, he and Ben were friends, having met around the time his memories started getting hazy. They had some drinks, talked with Jay and some girl named Wanda—or was it Whitney?—and kicked it off easily. Simple as that. Now, they’re like best mates or something.

At least, that’s what Callum’s told him. 

His doctor had mentioned something about this. About how he shouldn’t let other people fill in the gaps in his memory for him. They were supposed to come back naturally. That is, if they ever came back at all.

Of course Ben was scared at the prospect. He might have only lost a couple of months, but for some reason it felt like a huge chunk of his life was missing. There was an undeniable aching in his chest, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to make it stop. The possibility of never knowing what made such a huge hole in his heart freaked him out more than it probably should. 

And ever since reconnecting with Callum, Ben’s almost felt like that hole was completely filled. He doesn’t understand it all, but he just knows that it feels good to be around that man. 

But at the same time, there’s been a persistent voice—almost a whisper, really—biting at the farthest reaches of his mind. It keeps trying to convince him that Callum’s nothing but bad news. That beneath his sweet and caring facade, he’s capable of destroying Ben in a way no one else could.

Ben suddenly lurched forward in his chair, hand clutching at the front of his head. He pressed down intensely until the headache went away. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to Ben anymore, but the pains were getting worse and more frequent. They’re more common when Ben tries to think too hard about his missing past. Especially when it comes down to Callum. It’s almost like his brain is willfully trying to keep him from remembering the bloke. 

His doctor mentioned something like that, too. Said that his body will do anything to preserve itself, even in the case of bad memories. Some were lost for a reason, they told him. But why Callum? The man didn’t look like he could hurt a tiny fly, let alone Ben himself. It’s all just too confusing, so he stops his train of thoughts there.

His fingers finally relaxed, and grazed over scar tissue as he ran them through his messy hair. Ben returned to his laid-back position, and tried to think of something that wouldn’t rupture a blood vessel in his brain.

As he searched around the now empty office, he couldn’t help but go back to Callum. The good bits about him, though. He was a very thoughtful friend, and if he were anyone else, Ben would think that his antics were meant to butter him up. So that he could easily screw him in the end.

But nothing about Callum screamed ‘_I wanna fuck you_’, though he had caught the taller man staring when he thought Ben wasn’t looking. He’s realized that Callum’s just like that. That he’s inherently concerned for his mates. Or at least, he is for Ben.

As hazy as the rest of his memory was, the day he came to that realization was still clear as day.

* * *

_ It was early in the morning, and the sun was already beating down on Ben. He had wanted to go out for a quick run before getting the day started. He thought that if he was relaxed, he’d have an easier time recalling all those months that he had forgotten. _

_ Kathy scolded him for a little bit, saying that it was too soon since coming back from hospital to be putting his body under physical activity. But after some words were tossed out of both of them, his mum had reluctantly let Ben go out for a little jog. _

_ He knows she means well, but it seems like everybody’s been treating him so carefully since the accident. His mum, Jay, Lola, and even that new mate of his is coddling him like fine china. It was just a simple car crash, what was there to worry about? They’re called accidents for a reason. It isn’t like Ben’s just suddenly going to want to throw himself off a cliff. _

_ But as he kept running, the sinister voice in his head overpowered anything else he could hear. He shut his eyes for a moment as his head started to ache. It whispered to him that the crash wasn’t an accident. That he had just wanted the pain to stop. He was trying to get away from something. Something that tore his heart into an irreparable shell. _

_ He was running… but running from what? _

_ Before he could find an answer to that question, a not-yet familiar voice pierced through his thoughts. _

_ “Hiya!” _

_ Ben was startled at the other man’s sudden intrusion. He let out a little yelp, and turned to face the source of the noise. It was Callum, who was dressed in light-grey sweatpants and a hoodie. It became apparent the he was also out for a run, and had decided to join Ben in jogging through the square. _

_ Unfortunately, Ben was so focused on the other man’s unexpected appearance that he hadn’t seen a piece of merchandise from one of the stands had fallen to the ground. His foot was snagged on it, and all too quickly did Ben feel his body start to rapidly descend. His eyes had saw Callum try to catch him, but soon enough his face had collided with the rough concrete below. _

_ His hearing aid was ringing in his ear, but that didn’t stop Ben from hearing the utterly terrified tone that plagued the man that unintentionally scared him. _

_ “Oh my god! Ben! A-Are you alright?!” _

_ Ben could only groan in response as he lifted himself up on his arms. “Jeez Connor! That’s one way to say good mornin’...” _

_ “Callum…” _

_ “Right…” Ben turned around and lifted a hand. “Well, Callum, could you be a dear and help me up?” _

_ The other man did exactly as he was told, and Ben wobbled a bit before settling back on his two feet. As their eyes met, Callum’s expression darkened even more than it was. Curious as to what frightened him so, Ben went to feel around his face for any damage. Sure enough, when he passed over his nose, he saw a streak of blood spread on his fingertips. _

_ “Aw, look what you’ve done Callum…” Ben sarcastically let out. It might have been a tad too harsh, he’d admit. _

_ “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Callum whispered as his hands suddenly cupped his face. Ben’s face started to heat up as he felt the man’s strong, yet tender, touch. It was probably the heat from the sun, but he could swear that Callum was on the verge of tears. “We should get ya to hospital…” _

_ Ben shook his head as he pushed Callum’s hands away. “Nah, it ain’t that serious. It’s just a tiny cut probably.” _

_ “Then… let me look at ya. My flat’s not too far, and I’ve got a first-aid pack.” Callum spoke with confidence. It was a far cry from how he acted when Ben first met him. _

_ “It’s alright, mate, seriously ya don’t—” _

_ Callum was already tugging at Ben’s sleeve as he spoke once more. “C’mon, it’s the least I can do after what I did to ya…” _

_ The way Callum had trailed off at the end there made Ben glare at him with a confused look. It was almost like he didn’t want him to hear that last part. “What’re you on about? Ya just made me trip. It really ain’t a big deal.” _

_ He didn’t respond, and Ben doesn’t think he’s gonna get much else out. He sighed, and acquiesced to Callum’s insistence that he take care of his injury. _

_ They didn’t need to walk far, but Callum had given Ben his jacket to put on his nose. There wasn’t nearly as much blood to warrant such a thing, but he just shrugged it off as Callum being overly caring. He’s taken note of his tendency to be as such. Besides, at least the bloke’s clothes smelled halfway decent despite sweating out in the hot sun. _

_ He’s a little taken aback when he realizes that Callum lives right above the funeral parlour. He hasn’t been up there in ages, and he’s not sure if he wants to. He hides his discomfort quickly, and lets himself be dragged up the stairs. Callum’s hand never once left his, and he’d question it if he wasn’t shocked by the state of the flat. _

_ It seems to have aged terribly, the walls covered in a horrendous pattern that didn’t seem to quite fit simple-man Callum. Not to mention the scattered beer bottles, the discarded clothes that littered the floor, and the messy couch that looked as if someone was having nightmares on it. It just didn’t make sense how clean and organized Callum could be living in such a place. _

_ “Sorry about the mess… I wasn’t expecting company today,” Callum sheepishly explained, disappearing into the bathroom. _

_ “Ya always been sleepin’ in this pigsty?” Ben complained as he pushed the pillows and blankets off the sofa to sit down. _

_ Callum was quick to return to his side as a laugh escaped him. “It ain’t gonna get any cleaner if ya makin’ even more of a mess!” _

_ Ben shrugged as he leaned back into the cushions. “Sorry ‘bout that, but I’m a bit woozy at the moment. Might be from all the blood loss.” Ben put down the scrunched-up hoodie he had placed over his cut, and wasn’t surprised at how little it was stained. _

_ “Well, let me at least look at it. Gotta make sure you’re alright.” _

_ As Callum made work with the first-aid supplies, Ben couldn’t stop himself from staring. The man was undeniably attractive to Ben. The way his surprisingly muscular arms effortlessly cleaned up his face, or how the blue in his eyes intensified as he focused. _

_ It was somewhat comforting, knowing such a beautiful guy wasn’t all about looks. His fingers were gentle as they handled a small washcloth to wipe away the blood. Behind his concentrated gaze was genuine concern for having caused Ben a bit of pain. _

_ It just didn’t make sense to Ben, though. There wasn’t a lot of people out there that would give a rat’s ass if he were dying in cold blood. But here Callum was, freaking out and worrying about a tiny cut above his nose. _

_ This wasn’t a hot dude pretending to care so that they could have sex immediately after. No, this was something that Ben wasn’t expecting at all. _

_ This was someone who actually cared about Ben’s well-being. Callum keeps on surprising him, and in the good way. He’s not sure what he's done to deserve such a mate. _

_ When Callum was finished, he let out a deep breath and smiled brightly. “There, good as new. I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as it looked.” _

_ Ben wasn’t quite sure what to say. He wasn’t used to this honest concern at all. Only a select few people were able to show that to Ben, and he’s not sure how Callum made it on to that list. _

_ “Thanks, mate. I really do appreciate it.” _

_ Callum’s shoulders deflated a bit, but it was gone as fast as it came. “It was my pleasure.” _

_ They just sat there on the couch. Unmoving for what felt like an eternity. Neither knowing what to do or say next. The silence was deafening, to say the least, and the way Callum was looking at him made Ben’s cheeks flush a deep red. He doesn’t know—or remember—why his heart started to beat faster, or why the empty hole in his chest started to fill itself up. _

_ A shrill ring shattered the almost-intimate atmosphere, and Callum suddenly looked away, his own face blushing. Ben, too, was pulled back down to Earth, and saw that it was his phone that went off. He skimmed through the message, and was surprised at what he read. _

_ “Sorry, Cal, but I gotta... head out.” _

_ “What’s up? Who was it?” _

_ “It’s…” Ben’s not sure if he should share this information with Callum, but he’s been good to him so far, so why not indulge in the attention? They’re mates, so it only makes sense that he could tell him these kinds of things. “It was from a bloke I’ve been seein’. He said he wants to meet up for lunch at The Prince Albert.” _

_ Callum’s back stiffened, almost defensively. “Really? Well, I could join ya, if you’d like.” _

_ Ben shook his head as he went to stand. “No, I don’t think he’d like that. It’s sort of a private thing, y’know? Since we’re… kinda boy—” _

_ “I’ll see ya tomorrow then, eh?” Callum interrupted before Ben could say more. His back was still turned, and a sudden feeling of guilt washed over him. He clearly had upset Callum by revealing his relationship with this person, but he’s not sure why. They were mates, right? Shouldn’t Callum be happy for him? _

_ Another text came through. It was from the same guy. “Right, guess I shouldn’t keep him waiting.” Ben strode over to the door, but as he turned the handle he called back. “Thanks again, Cal. I’ll see ya ‘round, yeah?” _

_ He didn’t hear a response as he walked out. _

* * *

Ben’s head started to hurt again. It’s been a couple days since tripping and being taken care of by Callum, but the whole situation kept playing on repeat.

There were so many things he didn’t understand about Callum. Why had he been so apologetic for barely hurting Ben? Why was his flat so unkempt? Why was he so careful and soft while helping him? Why did he get so suddenly offended when he told him about some guy he was seeing?

Nothing about it made any sense, and Ben had to rest his forehead on his hand that was propped up on his desk. Goddamn memory… surely there had to be at least one answer hidden in all that time he lost.

A knock reverberated through the door to the car lot’s office, and Ben quickly shook his headache off. “Come in!”

Lo and behold, the man that was currently tossing Ben’s whole mind about stuck his tall frame and big ears into the building. 

“Gotcha some coffee. With five sugars and three creams, of course. I’ve learnt my lesson!” 

Ben could really only smile. There was that compassion again, practically dripping from Callum. Those warm eyes and million-dollar smile. It all was doing something to Ben, and he’s not sure he can comprehend it all.

“Cheers, mate. What brings you ‘round these parts? Here for a car?”

Callum still had that big grin across his face as he sat across from Ben. “Nope, just wanted to see how you were doin’.”

“I haven’t seen ya in a while. You alright?” Ben asked as he took a sip from the cup that was given to him.

“Yeah, sorry about the other day. It was uncalled for, and I’m happy you’ve found someone.” Callum’s smile wasn’t as full as he spoke those words. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. “The coffee’s a sort of peace offerin’, by the way. We good?”

It was Ben’s turn to give a light chuckle. “Yeah, we’re good.”

They shared in a bit of small talk as they drank their coffees. Callum talking to Ben about some crazy customers. Ben recounting tales of even sillier exchanges. It felt good, the distance between them quickly closing.

The air suddenly became tense, however, when Ben’s phone dinged with a text.

“Is that… your boyfriend?”

“Yes Callum, cos all me messages are from the same bloke.” Ben couldn’t help the snarky response. When he saw the subtle wince from the other man, though, he reassured him with a softer voice. “He ain’t my boyfriend. Never was. Just wanted some fast action, and the next thing I know he’s run for the hills.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.” There was a hint of satisfaction in Callum’s voice, Ben was sure of it. “Then who was it?”

Ben sighed. “That was Jay. Sayin’ he has to watch the parlour later since somebody had begged him for a day off.”

“Hm, wonder who that could be…” Callum mumbled as he took a big swig of his coffee.

“Seems I ain’t got anyone to hang with this evening.” Ben started with a dramatic voice. “With Jay busy, guess we ain’t havin’ drinks. I’ve suddenly got a free schedule! Whatever shall I do, Callum?”

“I’m not quite sure Ben. I’m sure someone will come around, though, don’t you worry.” Callum joked along, a laugh threatening to break through his act.

Ben couldn’t keep his in though. He barked out a hearty laugh as he talked. “Alright, just get on with it ya sap.”

“Would you like to have dinner with me then? I make a mean lasagna. Well, that’s people have told me, anyway.”

“I would love a dinner and some drinks. Is anyone else comin’?”

“I was thinkin’... it could just be the two of us.” Callum must have seen how Ben almost spat out his coffee. “I-I mean! Think of it as an apology for how I pushed you away. T-The other day, I mean!”

Something in Ben told him that it wasn’t a good idea. That whatever Callum’s doing, it’s because he’s setting him up to do something awful to him. The voice was telling him to refuse.

“If it means free food and drinks… Sure, why not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a bit late. I've just gone back to Uni, so I'll be more busy now. But I still intend to finish this story in a reasonable time. :)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed nonetheless! Your feedback is greatly appreciated and helps me stay motivated to write.


	6. I Think of It a Thousand Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum prepares dinner for himself and Ben. Will it go the way Callum planned?

Saying Callum was nervous would be a tremendous understatement.

He’s downright terrified of how tonight was going to go.

Convincing Ben to have dinner with him was easier than he thought it would. Sure, he might have looked surprised at first, but he quickly brushed it off and asked if there would be drinks there, too. Seems he was just in it for the free food, and not anything else. 

It can’t be for anything else, though, could it? They were mates after all, and mates don’t treat each other to a nice dinner other than for the fact that only one person was paying. In this case, only one person was paying and cooking.

All signs pointed to this being a date between them. A sort-of date, rather, since Callum thinks he’s alone on that assumption. It was really a spur of the moment decision on his part, suddenly being overcome with the feeling that he should do something—anything!—for Ben.

Especially after their running encounter, in which Callum had stupidly distracted Ben enough for him to fall flat on his face. His heart almost stopped when he thought he heard something crack. And it did when he saw the blood smeared across the other man’s face. He felt absolutely awful, and his offer to take care of the injury was the least he could for Ben.

Thank the stars that the cut wasn’t deep at all. It didn’t take long for him to clean the blood off Ben’s charming face, and he had applied a bit of ointment to help it heal faster. 

And when they had locked eyes, the world seemed to stop turning. Just for a fleeting moment, Callum thought he saw that love again. That burning passion that Ben always showed him flickered through the fog, and Callum was desperate to hold onto that. If that stinking phone never went off, he wonders what they would’ve done about the tension that suddenly appeared between them.

He knows he probably overreacted, but how could he not? He saw the man that he loves get hurt, and it tore what was left of his heart into even smaller pieces. It pained Callum to know that he caused so much pain to Ben, and not just physically, either.

When they were skirting around town, shagging in the back alleyways or behind closed doors, it was made apparent to Callum how euphoric Ben could make him feel. But it was always temporary. Callum had someone—his fiancée, no less—to go home to, leaving Ben in the dust when their time was up. 

It wasn’t fair to anyone. He was lying to Whitney for the longest time about who he was, but he was also denying Ben something that they both wanted. 

Then in the end, everyone was left with nothing that they wanted. Whitney didn’t have Callum as her husband, Ben didn’t have his love for Callum reciprocated, and Callum didn’t have either of them.

If he didn’t regret pushing away his love for that man before, he definitely did now. 

What a fool he was to think he deserved a happy ending. He destroyed the lives of so many people, and he didn’t know how to make any of it right.

But maybe it was a blessing in disguise, Ben losing his memories. Specifically the ones that involved Callum. This could be his chance to start over with him. To do things properly this time. Show Ben that he wasn’t the only one who loved what they had. Ben deserves nothing but the best, and Callum would be condemned to hell before letting him down one more time. 

His thoughts kept stewing in his head as he walked into the parlour, grocery bags in hand. He had just gotten the ingredients for the best meal that he could cook for them. As he passed by Jay, he saw the fellow squint his eyes a bit.

“What’s all that for?”

Callum set the bags down on the nearest table to rest his arms. “Ah, it’s nothing, really. Just for dinner.”

Jay didn’t sound entirely convinced. “Dinner? With what you’ve got, you could probably feed an entirely family.”

Callum let out a sigh. “Yeah, it’s a bit overboard, innit? I just got so excited, I wasn’t exactly sure what to get.”

He saw Jay cross his arms as he took a step forward. “Y’know, I think I’m starting to put the pieces together here.”

He tried to keep his smile, but Callum gulped, unsure of what Jay was suggesting. “W-What’re ya talkin’ about?”

“First, I come into work hearing ya clamour up in your flat, cleaning the place like a madman. Then ya beg me for a day off, scurrying off to Ben for God knows what reason—”

“How’d you know I went to see Ben?” Callum interrupted, his turn to act confused.

Jay only pulled out his phone, his face unreadable. “Cos he’s just messaged me, inviting me to dinner with the two of ya. Says it’s your treat.”

Callum wasn’t surprised that Ben wanted Jay to join. It just showed how close the two of them were, and it made Callum feel happy for them. But what he wasn’t happy about was how Ben ignored his request of this dinner being between just him and Callum. As ridiculous as the thought was, it felt almost like Ben had sensed the date-vibes and promptly tried to avoid that.

“Well… as much as I’d like for ya to be there…” Callum was starting to lose his footing. He wasn’t sure how to explain it all to Jay.

His boss was in his face now, expression dark and voice low. “What are ya playin’ at?”

He didn’t have a response. His throat closed up, blocking any words he had from escaping his mouth. He could only shake his head in denial.

“I ain’t an idiot, Cal.” Jay scoffed, pointing a finger accusingly at Callum’s chest. “You think I don’t know when someone’s tryna shack up with my brother? He’s been with plenty of blokes who’ve done the exact same thing you’re about to do, and they couldn’t leave fast enough after they’ve gotten their fix.”

Callum kept shaking his head. “It ain’t like that, Jay! I swear!”

“Then what is it like then, eh? Ya dump Whitney right before her wedding, and now you’re so desperate for attention that you’re goin’ after Ben? How long until you break his heart, too?”

“I won’t break his heart. I…” Callum couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence, the final two words failing to come out.

Jay sighed and stepped back, resting a hand on his hip. The other one rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Look Callum… I like ya, alright? You’re a good bloke, and I don’t care about who ya fancy. But whatever you’re doin’ with Ben… I just want ya to be careful. He’s been through enough.”

Callum nodded slowly. “I know, Jay. I promise ya I’ll be careful with Ben. But… thank you. For understandin’. I’ll explain later, okay?”

Jay let one of his hands squeeze Callum’s shoulder. “You can tell me when you’re ready, Cal. We’re mates, and I’ll support ya with whatever you’re goin’ through.”

They shared a glance, Jay’s encouragement making him grin, if only a little.

“Thanks again, Jay. I’ve made a mess of a lot of things, but I want to do this right.” Whatever ‘this’ was between him and Ben, he wasn’t going to turn back now.

“Good on you, mate. Now get up there and get cookin’ before the food spoils.” Jay teased as he too gave a small smile.

Callum laughed along, and picked the bags of ingredients back up, making way for the stairs. He didn’t make it past the first step before he heard Jay shout.

“But hey! If ya do anythin’ to upset him, you’ll be the next stiff we take care of!”

“Never!” Callum yelled back. For once in his life, what he said was the absolute truth. 

He never wants to upset Ben ever again.

* * *

His nerves started to act up again when he heard a knock on the door.

Well, he was already a wreck before it even came close to the time Ben said he’d come over. He had made a tiny mistake with the recipe, and he thought his head might explode as he checked and rechecked over the steps to find where he went wrong. 

In the end, the food turned out fine. He just hopes Ben enjoys homemade lasagna. Who doesn’t, right? Leagues better than the frozen stuff at the Minute Mart, that’s for sure.

Then he spilled some of the sauce on the front of his white dress shirt, and a bit on his trousers. Callum made sure all the kitchen appliances were turned off before he scuffled to his dresser. He knows this is supposed to be a casual hang out, but he can’t help himself. He replaced his top with a light blue button-down, which he tucked into his new khaki slacks. He did without the blazer, even though he really wanted to put it on. 

If someone said he was dressing to impress, Callum wouldn’t deny the accusation. Yes, he was putting on something nice for Ben. Did it have to mean anything? No. Except, it did mean a lot to Callum. A whole lot.

So when another incessant knock rattled the door, Callum briskly found the nearest mirror to run a hand through his hair one more time. He had to make sure he was presentable, at the least.

Finally, he approached the door that was threatening to come off its hinges with Ben’s pounding. He took in a deep breath—and two or three more, just to be safe—before letting the other man inside.

They greeted each other, and Callum could swear that Ben was getting more beautiful as the days went by. Seems that he wasn’t the only one who tried to dress nice. Beneath his leather jacket, Ben wore that deep red polo shirt with the black and white collar that complimented his body very well. It’s one of his typical outfits, sure, but Callum loves every single one of them, so he sees no problem there.

He jokingly scolded Ben for arriving five minutes later than they agreed. He put on his best angry face, but it quickly made way for an amused one when Ben tried excusing himself. Something about being ‘fashionably late’. Callum just laughed at Ben’s explanation of it as he set up the table.

Dinner started off without a hitch, and Callum couldn’t be more glad. No food dropped to the floor, no drinks spilled, and their clothes were spotless.

They didn’t stop talking for a second. The conversation flowed like peaceful waves at the beach, them moving from topic to topic with ease. There was always something to talk about with Ben, and Callum relished in it. He didn’t have to put effort into the typical conversation starters, because he could say just about anything to Ben and they’d have a full-blown discussion about it. Didn’t matter if it was something that happened at work, or the latest gossip in town. Ben listened to Callum, and he listened intently to Ben. 

When the plates were cleared, Callum went to wash them off as Ben sat back in his chair, sipping on the wine they had taken out.

“That was delicious, Cal. You’re one hell of a cook.” Ben praised.

Callum smiled at the compliment. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing a happy Ben, because it made him just as happy. “It’s nothin’, really. But thank you.”

“Nothing? I beg to differ, good sir. You could probably sign-up for one of them cooking competitions.” Ben announced from where he was resting his legs on an adjacent chair.

“I suppose I could.” Callum replied with a chuckle. “I’ll blow the judges away with my five-star lasagna.”

Callum never had enough confidence to brag about himself like that. He supposes Ben just helps bring that part out for them, and only them, to see.

When the dishes were clean and left to dry, they moved the conversation to the living room. Ben brought the wine bottle and glasses over, too, setting them down on the coffee table. Callum was nursing his drink as he was engaged in some story Ben had.

“He was terrible at it, too. The bloke probably couldn’t screw in a bolt right, so I bet you can imagine how he was in bed.”

Despite the topic hitting a still-sore spot, Callum didn’t find himself minding. It was probably the wine weakening his inhibitions. He just got so lost in Ben’s presence that he forgot to keep track of how much he’s had.

So he giggled along with Ben, feeling a bit like a schoolboy chasing after their crush. “He don’t know what he’s missin’. Joke’s on him, really.”

“That’s what I’m sayin’!” Ben was leaning back in the cushions, looking comfortable as he drank from his glass, as well. The rosy tint in his cheeks suggested he was getting a bit drunk alongside Callum.

“Seriously, anybody would be lucky if they were with ya. He’s a downright fool for leaving ya like that.”

Ben still laughed, but it didn’t quite sound the same. It was more hollow than the ones that came before.

“Now that’s the joke of the day.” He said, eyes down-turned to the red liquid in his hand.

Callum caught on, and he regretted bringing this up again. But Ben had to know that he was worthy of affection, no matter who it came from. “Hey, I ain’t joking. You’re special, Ben. I know you are.”

Ben slowly shook his head in disagreement. “I appreciate that, but it don’t feel like it lately. It’s always been about cheap sex. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a bit of fun every now and then. But I… I kinda want somethin’ more, y’know?”

Callum didn’t take his eyes off Ben. “Yeah… I know.”

Ben lifted his head up, a curious expression lining his features. “Have you ever been in love, Cal?”

There wasn’t any malice or accusation in his tone. It was pure curiosity, and Callum couldn’t bring himself to lie to Ben. Not like this. 

“I… I have.”

“How’d ya figure it out?” Ben sat up slightly, placing his now empty glass back onto the table.

“That’s a tough question to answer,” Callum started, running through his head how he could possibly explain his love when the man was unknowingly right in front of him. “I think I knew when…”

Ben’s gaze was digging into Callum’s soul. He was staring at him, waiting for his response and wanting to know more. Those blue oceans were almost taunting him, he thought.

“...When I wasn’t afraid of who I was. The person I loved—still love—helped me find the real me. He saw me, and I saw him.”

The corner of Ben’s mouth turned upward. “Sounds like a nice bloke. This the same guy who helped ya come out?”

Callum nodded. “Yeah. That was him.”

“What happened, though? Are ya still together? Ya don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

A sigh escaped Callum as he leaned forward, his arms flush with Ben’s. “We… never got the chance to get together before he… left. I still regret what I put him through… so when ya find that one person you love, don’t let go, alright?”

“Right…” Ben quietly responded. He started to play with the ring on his finger. “I’m really sorry about him, Cal. Whatever happened, I’m sure he knew ya loved him, too.”

Callum’s eyes met Ben’s, and the feeling that washed over him was almost too intense. He loves this man so, so much. He just wishes he got the chance to say it to him personally. Ben had told him that he loved him, so why couldn’t he say it back? He hates to think it, but that night when they argued… it must’ve been the same night he thought Callum didn’t love him back. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The next moments happened too quickly and too slowly at the same time. Callum wasn’t sure what came over him, but seeing Ben so… emotional and supportive with him was the last straw. He couldn’t keep up this act anymore. His gaze shifted down to those precious lips, and Callum knew he can’t just be mates with Ben. Not any longer.

Callum went for it, closing his eyes as he kissed Ben.

He was overcome with relief, pain, love, and so much more. He was careful not to move too fast, reverently pressing his lips against the other man. It felt right finally succumbing to his desires. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend that nothing had changed. He almost felt Ben lean into it, as well.

But the moment didn’t last long. Ben pushed against Callum’s chest as they were forced to separate. He had an exasperated look on his face.

“What… What was that for?”

“I… I’m not sure…”

Ben was standing now, his hands on his hips. “Look, I’m all up for a shag as much as the next guy, but we’re mates, Cal. I thought that was what you wanted us to be?”

Callum stood too. “I never said that was what I wanted!”

“Then what the hell was that just now? Especially when we were just talking ‘bout our failed love lives!” Ben’s voice was raised as he spoke. He seemed to have sobered up after their kiss, his happy expression nowhere to be found.

“I just… I just don’t understand how you could look me straight in the eyes and not remember…” Callum shouldn’t have said that. He’s let out too much, and it won’t be long before Ben picks up on it.

“Remember what, Cal?! Is there something else I should know about ya?” Ben was flailing his arms at his sides, motioning between the chasm of space between them. “Or… is there something ya wanna say about us?”

Callum couldn’t meet Ben’s glare. He looked down at his shoes, the glasses on the coffee table… anywhere that wasn’t Ben. He’s messed up again… and he doesn’t know where to start to make it better.

“So c’mon. Tell me, yeah? Were we ever more than just mates?”


	7. The Truth Is Wasted on You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum tries to explain to Ben what they used to have. Will he be able to get through to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a while. Uni's really making it hard to focus on this story, so chapters might be spread out more.
> 
> Again, apologies, but I hope you can still enjoy! :)

“Were we ever more than just mates?”

The words were still ringing in Callum’s ears. He didn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t think he even could in that moment. His lips were left agape and his throat was tight. 

It’s all come crashing down, the careful house of cards that Callum built. The foundation was set when he told Ben that they used to be mates. He willfully chose to omit the most important fact, hoping that if he could befriend Ben, they’d eventually get the chance to be together. Like how proper couples start out. 

Then, over the last few weeks, he kept adding cards to that tower. It felt nice, spending time with Ben without their past getting in the way. The structure was standing tall and proud, and Callum felt great. 

But there was always that part of him that held him back. The part that rejected the false reality that he had tried so hard to make. It screamed and clawed at Callum’s heart, shouting that none of this was right. It kept saying that he was manipulating Ben into thinking they were nothing more than friends, just so he could sink his teeth into him later, claiming him as his. 

To take advantage of such a horrible tragedy was just cruel. It wasn’t who Callum was, and it wasn’t who he wanted to be.

So that same part of him decided that it couldn’t take it anymore. It toppled down the cards that Callum strained to put up in the first place, and now it’s all ruined. Whatever it was that he started with Ben—whether it was friendship or something else entirely—was surely gone now.

All because he couldn’t keep his damn mouth to himself.

“Ya not plannin’ to tell me, eh?” Ben’s voice shattered the unbearable silence that fell upon them. “What’s going on in that head of yours? Tryin’ to think of some other lie to feed me?”

Callum tried his hardest to say something back. His chest was aching and his breathing was getting shallow. “I… I’m so sorry, Ben… I-It weren’t supposed to come out like this.”

Ben scoffed. “_What_ was supposed to not come out? The fact that ya wanna get in my pants? That’s hardly worth keepin’ a secret.”

Callum fervently shook his head. “I-It ain’t like that, Ben!”

“Then what is it like, Callum! Please enlighten me!” Ben’s arms shot up at his sides as he raised his voice. He glared at Callum with a cold stare as they stood there. The coffee table was the only thing separating them, but they couldn’t be more far apart. 

Callum’s lips shut tight once again, his mouth forming into a thin line. How could he possibly tell Ben what they used to have? What they could’ve had?

Taking his silence as an answer, Ben suddenly turned on his heels and started for the door. “Whatever. If you ain’t gonna tell me, then surely someone else will.”

Panic set into Callum as he watched the other man stride with purpose away from him. No one else even knows what happened between them, but he can’t let Ben unintentionally out them both to the streets of Walford.

He rounded the table in front of him, and hastily went to grab Ben’s arm before he could make it any closer to the door. “W-Wait! Just… don’t go… please…”

Ben’s eyes could almost burn a hole into Callum’s forehead. There was a fire behind them, but it wasn’t the kind that he was used to. This was the kind that was fueled by hurt and confusion. 

“Y’know something the doctors told me? I shouldn’t let other people fill in the gaps. Said that some bastards might trick me into believing stuff that ain’t real.” Ben jabbed a pointed finger into Callum’s chest. “So if you want me to stay, then ya better start talkin’.”

Callum blinked away the moisture that was building up in his eyes, and he slowly nodded. “Okay… I… I can explain… but can ya please sit down? Don’t go...”

Ben maintained his glare for a second before pushing past Callum and walking over to the dining table. He fiercely pulled a chair out, the wooden legs scraping against the floor. He dropped himself onto it, leaning back as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest.

“Well? Go on, then.”

Callum took in a deep breath, and followed in Ben’s steps. He approached the table, and rested his hands on the nearest chair. He couldn’t bring himself to sit down just yet, no matter how shaky his legs had become.

“I don’t even know where to start,” he admitted.

“How about the beginning, eh? Start there.”

“The beginning… that part’s still kinda true.” Callum solemnly chuckled as he continued. “We did first meet at The Vic. They were all there… Whitney, Jay, and Lola.”

“And is that where we became mates?” Ben bluntly asked.

Callum kept his head down, his stare trained on a stray beer stain atop the wooden surface. Probably from one of the many drinks he’s had ever since finding out about Ben’s accident. “No… we didn’t become mates there…”

Ben bitterly laughed. “I see. So when _ did _that happen?”

Callum pursed his lips. “I don’t think it ever happened…”

“So, what? We just skipped that part entirely and went straight to the shagging? Didn’t peg ya off as the kind of bloke to do that.”

“It wasn’t…” Callum shook his head, his grip tightening on the chair. “It’s more complicated than that.”

Ben’s eyebrows furrowed. “Complicated how?”

“Remember how I told ya that… the man I loved—still love—helped me come out?”

Ben cautiously nodded, a confused look still lining his features.

“That was you.”

Callum flinched as the screeching sound of a chair being dragged across the floor pierced his ears. He chanced a look up at Ben, who had shot out of his seat and was beginning to pace the living room.

“Alright… what the hell are ya even on about?” There was that bitter laugh again as Ben spoke. “Not only were we not mates, but now ya love me for God knows what reason?”

“Ben, please, calm down. I’m… I’m tryin’ my best here.”

“Well, you’re doin’ a shit job.” Ben muttered. He scratched at the back of his head as he went down on the couch. “Okay, so you were in the closet. I’m not seeing how that makes this complicated.”

Callum was still rooted in place as he mulled over the best way to say the next thing. He didn’t think there was ever a good way to tell Ben, though.

“When ya first realized that I was… that I wasn’t straight…” Callum saw that his knuckles were becoming white as he pressed against the wooden chair. “I was with somebody… I was with a woman.”

Callum watched through glossy eyes as Ben’s face fell. The realization must have settled in him, and he wanted nothing more but to embrace the man in his arms. For both their sakes.

“No… I wouldn’t…” Ben said barely above a whisper.

“Nothing happened for a while after ya figured it out… but one night…”

Ben lowered his head, both his hands gripping onto his neck.

“One night we… kissed… and it was something else entirely. It felt… freeing.”

“Was that all we did?” Ben uttered, his face still hidden from Callum’s view.

“No…” Callum shook his head as he recalled that fateful night. That was the moment where it all began for him, he believes. That desire for freedom. The want to have something he can’t have. Those feelings for Ben. It all could be traced back to that place in time. Everything had seemed so messy and impossible. But it paled in comparison to what he was dealing with right now.

“Oh god…” Ben stood up now, hands still at the back of his neck. His back was turned as he took heavy steps towards the far end of the room.

“I felt terrible after, y’know? Not cos it didn’t feel right… but because it felt more than that. It made me come face to face with who I am. Made me see that… it was somethin’ that I wanted.” Callum let go of the chair, and carefully approached Ben’s still figure. “And I felt awful for having to hide behind… behind this woman.”

“But I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t put someone through that…” Ben whispered to himself. He probably thought Callum couldn’t hear him, but the flat was too silent for him not to.

“I’m glad you did, though. I didn’t see it before, but now I know you were just tryin’ to help me find myself. After that night, you tried your hardest to help me come to terms with who I was—”

“But I wouldn’t put ya through that!” Ben suddenly shouted, startling Callum into taking a step back. “I-I know what that’s like! Tryin’ so hard to stay with somebody just to prove you’re what everyone wants you to be! All the while knowin’ someone else is suffering because they’ve fallen for you!”

Callum could only stare helplessly as Ben aggressively took off the ring that was always on his finger. He lifted his left hand up, putting the burn scar right in Callum’s view.

“Tell me something, yeah? I ever tell ya about this? About what it meant to me?”

Callum saw the tears that were falling from Ben’s face now. It made holding his own that much harder. “Y-You did say something about it to me. It wasn’t that much, though… But I… I do know who’s name used to be there.”

“Well, you fucking should know who’s name I burned right off! Ya livin’ in his old flat!”

Callum tried to get closer to Ben, but he was just shrugged off. “Ben, ya need to calm—”

“I did all that to Paul… Everything you’re telling me right now, I did to him. I put him through hell all because I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be! And look where that got him... Where it got me! I killed him… and I probably would’ve killed myself!” 

Callum wasn’t even going to try to stop his tears from falling. It hurt him so much to see Ben like this. He wished he could do more to take that pain away. 

“I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, especially not to a decent bloke like you!”

“But Ben, it’s okay now! I’ve gotten past all of that! I never got the chance to tell ya how much what you did means to me. How much you mean to me!”

“I just…” Ben seemed to deflate in that moment. All of that frustration and anger seeped away, flowing down the teary rivers that covered his reddened cheeks. “I just don’t understand… I ain’t as good as Paul. I don’t think I ever could be… So how can you say ya love me after putting you through that…”

Callum took this chance to finally step towards the other man. He wanted to be closer, but he settled for his hands on his shoulders. “I love you because ya see who I really am. I don’t have to hide when I’m with you, and ya just helped me do that with the rest of the world.”

Ben looked right into Callum’s eyes. They were still as blue as ever, and the moonlight that spilled through the window made them pop out even more. No amount of tears could hide such beauty.

Callum wrapped his arms around Ben as the other man started to lean forwards. He was grateful for the contact, but more thankful that Ben would still accept his comfort after what was just revealed to him. He let himself bask in Ben’s warmth and scent, knowing that any second it could be taken away from him.

Ben pulled away after some time. He looked off in another direction, and walked over to something that seemingly caught his attention. Callum followed not far behind.

“Was that her?” Ben asked as he hovered over the several picture frames Callum had on display. When he was close enough, he looked over Ben’s shoulder and saw what he was referring to. It was a photo of him and Whitney. It was taken from when they were still together, but Callum couldn’t bring himself to put it away.

“Yeah. That was her. Whitney.” The name still sent a shiver down his spine, but it wasn’t as bad as it used to be.

Ben was still facing away from him. “She must’ve been heartbroken when she found out.”

“She was… We both got hurt. But in the end, I think she knew it was for the best.”

They both went quiet. Callum still kept a safe distance between them, not wanting to push Ben too much in one night, but he still longed for more.

“I think… I think I should go. It’s gettin’ late.”

Callum didn’t stop Ben as he turned around slowly. He only nodded, agreeing that they’re both a bit emotionally drained. He followed right behind Ben as they both made their way to the door.

When Ben reached the threshold, his hand lingered above the handle.

“I like ya, Cal. I really do. And clearly, you really like me, too, for some reason.” Ben gave a soft chuckle. Callum couldn’t stop himself from chuckling, too. “But I need some time to get my head around all this.”

“That’s fine, Ben. I know I probably said too much to ya… but I had to tell ya at some point. I couldn’t keep lyin’ to ya.”

Ben smiled at that, if only slightly. “Good night, Cal.”

“Good night, Ben.”

As the door shut, Callum found himself resting his back on it. Without haste, he slid down onto the floor as he breathed a heavy sigh.

He was tired of all the waiting. He so desperately wanted to be with Ben. But things like this take time. The wounds that they both suffered from their past still needed to heal.

Callum will wait for Ben to be ready. Just like how Ben had waited for Callum a lifetime ago.


	8. A World Where We Can Be Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum reaches an unexpected truce with Ben, but when Callum runs into a familiar face, how long until they're torn apart again?

Seventy-two hours. He didn’t even try to stop himself from counting every little tick of the clock.

It’s been three days since Callum gave into his desires and kissed Ben for a fleeting moment.

It’s been three days since Ben had asked for space. He wanted time to process everything that he knows now, and Callum would just have to accept that. After all, Ben had done the same for him when he was still figuring out what to do with Whitney. He owed it to the other man to show that he truly did have feelings for him. That he really did love him.

Though, while it’s only been half a week, Callum was starting to think he might go crazy if he had to wait another day. He doesn’t understand how Ben was able to be so patient with a muppet like him back then. 

Callum shifted in his bed. It seemed to feel emptier and emptier as the hours went by. He never knows the night before if the next day will finally be the day that Ben comes back to him. That he’ll have thought about it and be gracious enough to give them a second chance. Or in Ben’s case, he supposes the first chance at their relationship. 

He needs to learn to stop being so naive.

Taking a glance at his phone, Callum notices that it’s already almost past noon. The lack of sleep that he’s been getting lately has really affected his schedule. Turns out that lying motionless, but awake, in his sheets wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with this whole situation. It could be worse though, he thought.

And he knows he shouldn’t blame Ben for taking his time. He might not have told him everything there was to know about them, but what the other man does know would be a lot for anyone to comprehend, let alone someone who’s lost their memory about it.

It’s just been tough on Callum, and he’s tired of obsessing over it. But when has he ever been able to get Ben out of his mind? It certainly isn’t one of his strong suits.

After some minutes pass, he reckons that he should probably get up. He hopes Jay doesn’t mind him coming in to work late. For the third day in a row.

He mindlessly gets dressed in his suit as he lazily combs a hand through his hair. It’s maybe thirty past twelve when he finally trudged down the stairs out of his flat. 

When he gets down to the funeral parlour, his ears perk up at the two familiar voices through the walls.

“Are ya really sure about this, Ben?”

“For the last time, bruv, I’m sure.”

Callum really shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but he finds it hard to do that when the conversation involves Ben. 

“And are ya gonna be on your best behavior with him?”

“As long as he’s good to me, we won’t have a problem.”

As Callum gets closer, he can hear Jay let out a sigh. “Alright then, if it’s what you want. But if he even tries to upset ya, he’ll for sure have a problem with me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Ben chuckles.

He takes that moment to finally step into the office. He’s greeted by a smirk from Ben and a subtle glare from Jay.

“It lives then. Thought I’d hafta wake you up myself.” Jay rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms. He notices that he’s perched up on the desk, while Ben leans back in the swivel chair, hands resting on the back of his head. Their eyes meet, and Callum could swear his breath hitched.

“You alright there?” Ben amicably asks.

Callum clears his throat before responding. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. How have you been?”

Ben purses his lips. “Fine. A few headaches here and there, but it’s getting better. I hope.”

“That’s good then.” Callum nods his head, but leaves it turned downward.

There’s a bit of silence in that moment. At least until Jay speaks up again.

“Just get on with it, bruv. I can practically feel the stupid tension between you two.” He lightly punches Ben’s shoulder, who just laughs as he tries to hit Jay back.

“Alright, alright.” Ben’s laughter subsides as he puts on a more serious expression. His smile remains, though, as he turns his attention to Callum. “So I’ve been thinking…”

“Dangerous thing, innit?” Jay butts in, grinning at Callum.

“Oi! I thought you wanted me to get it done with!” Ben yelled as he kept a smile of his own.

Jay let out a small laugh as he leaned backwards, almost on instinct, expecting Ben to playfully hit him again. “Sorry, sorry! Just had to put that out there.”

“Anyway,” Ben clears his throat and his mouth slips back into that too-familiar smirk. “I’ve been thinking of what you told me.”

“Ben, I’m so sorry about that night. I-I never meant for it to happen.” Callum couldn’t stop himself from blurting out as he took a step forward.

Ben scoffed. “Is anyone here gonna let me finish?”

Callum froze on the spot, his lips pressed tightly into a line. His gaze shifted back down to his shoes. “Sorry…”

“Look, what I’m tryin’ to say is… I’ve taken the time to get my head ‘round… this,” Ben motions between the two of them. “And I think that… it’s worth a shot.”

Callum perked his head up at that. He stared at the other man in disbelief. Surely, his big stupid ears were playing tricks on him. There’s no way that it would be that easy. That Ben could just forgive him at the snap of his fingers. He didn’t deserve such kindness.

“What?” He whispered as he fought back the sting of tears.

“Don’t get too excited there, Cal,” Ben joked. “But I mean it. Screw the past. What matters is now, and right now… I think we should give us a chance, eh?”

“Ben, I… I don't know what to say. I wasn’t exactly plannin’ on you forgiving me.” Callum started slowly making his way towards the man behind the desk. Jay sat up from his position, making room for him to get close.

“You don’t have to say anythin’ right now. Let’s just take this slow.” Ben reached out when he was near enough, and softly brushed his fingers across Callum’s. “From what you’ve told me, seems we weren’t exactly the best at doing that before.”

Callum clung onto that brief contact of skin. It sent shivers along his arms, and his cheeks were starting to heat up. He moved his hand in a way that let him properly hold Ben’s in his. “Slow… yeah, I’d like that.”

“Great.” Ben grinned up at the taller man. Their hands didn’t separate for a second in the moment of silence that they shared. It wasn’t until Ben spoke up again did he let go. “So, what do ya say about lunch at the caff?”

Feeling a bit more like himself, Callum smiled, giggling at how not-slow Ben was already being. “You mean like a date?”

Ben’s eyebrows raised, a smile of his own spreading across his handsome face. “It don’t have to be a date. It’s just lunch, innit? Like how we used to when we were mates.”

“Except now, we’re more than that, right?”

“Only if you want us to be.”

Callum was made suddenly aware of Jay’s presence when he cleared his throat, popping the bubble that seemed to encase the two men. He looked back at his boss, and pleaded with his eyes to give him the day off.

Jay seems to get the message pretty clearly. “Go on. You two deserve it.”

Callum’s never been more grateful for someone else know about him and Ben. Jay’s support is certainly something he hadn’t expected. “Cheers, mate.” 

“But someday we’re gonna have words about what exactly you’ve done with Ben.” Jay’s expression is light, but his eyes tell Callum that he’s serious.

“Thanks, bruv. I’ll see ya in a bit, yeah?” Ben goes to stand up from the chair, but he seemingly loses his balance as he clutches a hand to the back of his head.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by Callum. “You alright, Ben?”

“Yeah, yeah, probably just stood up too fast,” Ben quickly responds, his voice a bit shakier than Callum would like.

The other man tries to go around the desk, but then stumbles forward. His body slumps on the desk, and Callum’s able to catch him before he falls onto the ground. Jay’s quick to his side, as well, and both of them help Ben back onto the chair.

“S-Sorry, just tripped,” Ben mutters. “How about you go change, and I’ll just… wait here. Catch my breath and all.”

Callum’s brows furrow. “Are ya sure, Ben? We don’t have to go out if you ain’t feeling well.”

“I’m fine, Cal. Just a little tumble, nothin’ to worry your pretty head over.”

He isn’t entirely convinced, but the warm hand that wraps around his arm gives him enough comfort to let it go. For now, at least. “Okay then… I’ll go put on something else, but promise me ya won’t pass out on me or summat?”

“Don’t worry, uncle Jay’s here to take care of me, ain’t he?” Ben replies, drawing a chuckle out of himself and his brother.

Callum laughed along with them, but something kept biting at the back of his mind. He’s not sure if it was simply him being paranoid, or if it was actually fear for something worse.

* * *

The sun was high in the sky as they walked along the square. They stayed close together, arms bumping into each other every now and then, but a safe distance was still kept. They were having a conversation about their personal tastes in food when Ben suddenly stopped. Callum curiously looked up at the store sign. The Minute Mart.

“I’ve got an idea. Just wait out here.” Ben says, already making his way in. 

Callum just laughed as he watched him practically skip inside. “Ben, what’re ya plannin’ now?”

“Promise it won’t take long!” Ben called out.

With a shake of his head, Callum goes to rest his back on the nearest wall behind him. He closed his eyes and let out a content sigh. He supposes he’ll have to get used to this kind of thing if their relationship goes anywhere. Ben’s always been a schemer, but a feeling of satisfaction washes over him as he thinks of Ben putting that mind of his for good. Like right now, the bloke’s got something planned, but whatever it is, it’s for Callum. And that makes his smile grow even bigger.

That smile didn’t last very long when he heard a voice that was familiar, but felt so foreign at the same time.

“Callum?”

He suddenly shoots off the wall, and when his eyes open and land on red hair and a bright pink jumper, his heart drops right down into his stomach.

“Whit… H-How have… Are you alright?”

She slowly nods her head as she breathes out. “I’m… I’m getting better. Just saw you when I came around the corner, thought I’d say hi.”

Callum’s not entirely sure what he should really say. His ex-fiancee just arrived out of nowhere, and what the hell are you supposed to say when that happens?

Sure, maybe a couple of months ago he practiced some soppy speech over and over again in his head for when he got the chance to see Whitney. But after everything that’s been happening with Ben, he realized that he hadn’t really been thinking of her lately.

Should he feel guilty about that? Callum’s not sure of the answer, but he doesn’t want to know it either.

“I… That’s good to hear. We’ve both got to move on, right?”

Whitney took a step forward, closing the gap that wasn’t big enough between them. “Right… But I do miss you.”

“I…” Callum looks down at the sincerity in her eyes. He can’t bring himself to speak with that same honesty. “I miss you, too.”

Whitney looks like she’s about to hug him, but a loud and brash voice cuts through the somber atmosphere. 

“Oi, loverboy! I know we agreed this wasn’t a date, but if we’re gonna do this, might as well go all out—”

Ben stops in his tracks as he takes notice of the third person standing next to Callum. His smile fades away quickly, and his arms fall to his sides. The first thing that caught Callum’s attention, though, was the single white tulip tucked safely in Ben’s hand.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Callum shifts his gaze to Whitney, who suddenly has a questioning glare aimed at the two men.

“What… what are you on about?”

“Whitney, right?” Ben’s put up those walls again, he noticed. The hand that didn’t hold the flower was stuffed into his jacket pocket, his smile didn’t reach his eyes anymore, and his tone had an edge to it. “We’ve probably met, but I’ve been having trouble rememberin’ things lately.”

“That ain’t an answer Ben Mitchell. What did you just say?” There’s a threatening air around Whitney, but Ben doesn’t back down.

“Look, I know you’re probably still upset about you and Cal here, but you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about.” Ben taunted, unafraid and unknowing. “I plan on treating him right.”

“He ain’t gay.” Whitney firmly asserts.

Ben scoffs. “Course he is. That’s why he broke up with you, innit?”

Callum feels completely helpless as he stands back from the brewing tension. He could only watch as Whitney tried to pull a punch at Ben, but he was too quick and dodged to the side.

“Woah there, lass. I get you’re angry, but your form’s all wrong. Ya gotta lean into the punch. Put some oomph into it.”

Whitney points a sharp nail at Ben’s chest. “You know, you’ve always been dirty. So what’s your trick, huh? What did ya do to Callum to force him into your grubby hands?”

Ben, still undeterred, scoffed in her face. “Y’know, I think I do remember ya. Though, your hair was a little less… loud back then.”

“Ben, ya better give me a straight answer before I kill ya.” Whitney growls.

A humorless laugh escapes the other man’s mouth. “Now that is quite the turn of phrase. I didn’t force nothing on him.”

“So what? Is it true?” Whitney tries once more with force. “Is Callum really…”

“Like you didn’t know…” Ben stared right back at Whitney’s glare, but he must’ve noticed something in them. His cocky smirk faltered, if only slightly. “Hold on a minute… did you really not know?”

Whitney shook her head. Her anger was still apparent, but she seems to have calmed down a little.

“But he told me that he came out…” It was Ben’s turn to be confused. He looked at the woman in front of him, but then cautiously turned to face Callum, who was still standing at the sidelines. A mere bystander. “Or was that just another lie?”

Callum really didn’t like the idea of Ben’s anger being directed at him. But this is what he deserves, isn’t it? Of course there were corners that needed to be cut when he tried explaining the other night, but he didn’t think it would lead to this. He didn’t think it would matter after Ben got over it. There he goes again, being naive.

With no answer from Callum, Ben shakes his head as he turns away from Whitney. “Right, I see how it is. We really better get going now. Got some things to sort out. See ya.”

Before Ben could make it very far, Callum was shocked as he saw Whitney lift her purse behind her, and swing it directly at the man. The bag made direct contact with the back of Ben’s head, and forced him to stumble forward.

“You disgust me, Ben Mitchell. I swear if you hurt him, I’ll come after ya.”

As Whitney turns on her heel and walks away, Callum finally snaps out of his stupor as Ben groans in pain. Both of his hands were clutching at his head where she had hit him. That’s when Callum noticed the tulip on the ground. Ben must’ve dropped it from the impact. He goes to pick it up before wrapping his free arm around the other man.

“Ben, you okay?”

He’s shrugged off as Ben continues down the street, still heading in the direction of the cafe. Callum follows right behind him, and he keeps trying to get Ben to say something, anything.

He’s mostly silent until they finally make it to their destination. He opens the door, and is greeted by Kathy, who’s working at the front counter.

“Alright, Ben?” She calls out, happy at seeing her son.

“Dandy, mum.” Ben curtly responds, a hand still rubbing at his scar.

Kathy then notices Callum standing hesitantly next to Ben. “Callum, right? Nice to see ya again. Here to reign in my son from trouble?”

She laughs and gives them both a genuine smile. If only she knew what Callum did to Ben. He wonders if she would still be so kind to him. “Afternoon, Ms. Beale.”

“Oh, Kathy’s fine, dear. No need to make me feel all old.”

“Can I just get the usual, mum? Make that two.” Ben piped up, exhaustion replacing his previous frustration.

“Course! It’ll be out in a few.”

Callum still follows closely behind Ben as he lets him choose a seat. He settles down into one of the far corner booths, away from prying eyes and listening ears. The place isn’t even that busy yet, but he supposes Ben just wanted to be sure they’d have their own space. They both sit across from each other, and Callum gently places the tulip on top the table.

Since Ben still hasn’t said anything, Callum decides to speak first. “Ben, y’know nothing of what Whitney said was true, right?”

Ben let out a deep breath. “I dunno, Cal. She seemed to know exactly what she was sayin’.”

“Okay, maybe some of it was true,” Callum regretfully concedes. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to be with you. It’s over between us, I swear.”

Ben shakes his head.“That ain’t what I’m worried about.”

“Then… what is it?” Callum offers his hand for Ben to take. He doesn’t grab onto it.

“You say you’re out, but who really knows about it?” Ben whispers.

Callum’s heart picked up as he couldn’t come up with an answer to that question. He’s long since accepted who he was, but he hasn’t actually told many people.

Ben decides to keep going. “And judging by what just happened, clearly some people don’t fancy the idea of me and you being together. Maybe… maybe this ain’t such a good idea.”

Callum desperately grabbed onto Ben at that, his eyes pleading. “B-But what happened to screwing the past? We can’t let that get in the way anymore.”

“Well our past just keeps getting messier the more I learn.” Ben shakes his hand out of Callum’s, and rests it on his forehead.

That’s when Callum really takes in Ben’s appearance. Drops of sweat are trailing down the sides of his face, which is starting to lose its color. His eyes were shut tight, and his jaw was clenched.

“Ben? You alright? Ya looking a bit pale…”

“It’s fine, Cal. I’m fine.”

“Ben, if you ain’t feeling well you shouldn’t push—”

“Just leave it Callum. I mean it. I’ll… I’ll go get the food.”

As Ben went to stand, his legs trembled and his body shivered as if he were cold. He’s almost able to walk to the front counter, but before he could make it there, Ben lurched forward, his motionless body crashing into the tables and chairs in front of him. 

Callum’s scream mixed with Kathy’s, and the sight that he had witnessed made his blood run cold.


	9. I've Been Sleeping With the Lights On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's forced back into hospital after falling unconscious. Will Callum be able to handle the weight of the situation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has officially bumped the rating of this work to Explicit. Think of it as an apology for the delay in updates. ;)

“Ben!”

If Callum wasn’t sure his heart was gonna burst from nervousness before this not-date date, then he definitely knows now. He thinks his heart actually has burst, if the way his whole body heats up is any indication.

But nervousness was the least of his concerns. Not with Ben sprawled on the floor like some lifeless rag doll. 

No. Not lifeless. Callum couldn’t think like that.

He hastily pushed his body off from the booth seat and sprinted to Ben’s side as fast as he could. He dropped to the floor, his knees skidding across the tile. Even through his jeans he felt a burning sensation, but his mind was too focused on the unconscious man lying before him to really pay much attention to anything else.

“B-Ben! Are you alright?” It was a stupid question. Of course he wasn’t alright, but Callum wasn’t sure of what to do. He was panicking just as much as the rest of the patrons that witnessed Ben taking a horrible fall. One of which, unfortunately, included Kathy.

The older woman paced over from behind the counter, and dropped down onto her knees as well. “Callum, what’s happened?”

He could hear the fear and worry in her voice. He didn’t even try to hide his own. “I-I don’t know! He was fine just a few minutes ago…”

But Callum saw the signs. They were all there. The shaky legs. The paleness of his skin. So why the hell hadn’t he done something to help? He knows pushing Ben would have only made it worse, but there had to be _ something _to make him take a rest. Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to lunch, but then that would mean Ben still being upset at him and he doesn’t know if that was any better. 

It was all just a big ridiculous mess in Callum’s head and it was giving him a headache.

Or maybe that headache from the way his heart kept skipping beats. His brain wasn’t getting a lot of oxygen, despite the heavy breaths he was taking.

“Ben? Ben, can you hear me?” Kathy desperately tried. No response came from the man’s slightly agape mouth. “Can someone call an ambulance?! Please, he’s my son!”

Callum was grateful for Kathy taking the initiative in this situation. He was rooted in place, his hands urgently pushing away at the lapels of Ben’s leather jacket so he could reach the button-down shirt beneath. He needed to feel for a pulse or breath or _ anything _that would tell him that Ben was still alive.

He can’t be dead. There were so many things that they were supposed to do together. Callum wanted to take Ben out on dates. He wanted to treat him well and indulge him and just have fun together. He wanted to kiss him, to keep him close, to know what it would feel like with Ben’s fit body rubbing against his.

Callum wanted it all, but now he feared he’d never even get the chance to have any of it.

“Please, Ben… you have to open your eyes… please…” He whispered into the man’s ear as he leaned forward to place his forehead on Ben’s. It was slick with sweat, and the skin could almost burn his own.

He was pressing his hands onto Ben’s chest right where his heart would be, thinking if he tried hard enough he could force Ben’s heart to beat. He felt it there, but it was far too weak to bring him comfort. 

At one point, he was about ready to curl up right next to Ben’s motionless body. Instead, he pulled gently underneath his arms, and carefully dragged him into Callum’s lap. The almost peaceful expression that lined Ben’s features felt like it was taunting him. His eyes weren’t shut closed, but he couldn’t see the blue of them, either. His brows weren’t scrunched up. There wasn’t any pain or sadness. There was just nothing… like Ben had subconsciously accepted his fate.

As Callum closed his own eyes, even for the briefest of moments, time had sped up. Not even that. Time felt like it had skipped and bounded across the next couple of minutes. All of a sudden, he could hear sirens wailing outside of the cafe. The door had been carelessly pushed open, and a swarm of first responders filled the already constricting space of the building.

He could hear voices, but none of them were Ben’s, so he couldn’t bring himself to listen.

That was until he felt a pair of hands pulling at him, and several more trying to pry Ben away from him.

“No! L-Let go of him!” Callum was of a one-track mind. Only Ben mattered in that moment. Why were there people trying to take him away from him? “Let go of him!”

Through the drumming of blood in his ear, a soft voice came above all the rest. “Callum, it’s just the ambulance. Let them take care of Ben.”

He forced his teary eyes off of Ben and craned his neck to see Kathy gently, but firmly, grabbing his arms. She kept whispering reassurances to him until he finally released his desperate grip on the man in his lap. 

There was already a gurney set up by the door. The responders did their best to quickly get Ben onto it, all the while putting a disposable resuscitator over his face. They were out as quick as they came, hurriedly stuffing Ben into the back of the ambulance.

Callum could only watch as an indescribable fear clawed away at his heart. The booming sound of one of the responders cut through the foggy veil threatening to take over his mind. 

“Do any of you want to stay with him?”

Kathy and Callum shared a glance, and even through his watery vision he could see the same fear that covered the woman’s face. 

“Go with him.” He quietly mumbled. She was Ben’s mother, and he was… he wasn’t anything to Ben right now. She deserved to be with him more than he did.

Kathy shook her head in hesitance. “But, Callum—”

“It’s alright… You need to be there for him. I’ll… I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

She looked like she wanted to argue, but there wasn’t any time to waste. She nodded and got to her feet, running out the door and into the ambulance. The sirens rang out once more, getting quieter and quieter as the vehicle drove away.

As he tried to recompose himself, Callum stood up and all but burst out of the cafe, his legs moving as fast as they could without tripping over one another. He fished in his pocket for his phone, his fingers fumbling with the screen. He tapped with more force than necessary as he dialed the familiar number.

Jay’s voice came through after the second ring. “Callum? What’s up?”

“It’s Ben. He’s fallen unconscious. There’s an ambulance taking him to hospital.” He explained as he panted, his lungs stinging from the cold bite of the air. 

“Shit…”

“Can you take me there, Jay?”

He could hear shuffling from the other end, and what vaguely sounded like the jingle of keys. “Yeah, yeah of course. Meet me at the parlour and we’ll head out.”

“Thanks, mate…” Callum let out a heavy sigh of relief.

He bolted through the square, maneuvering through the market stalls with haste. He had to get to the hospital as fast as he could. He needed to know what’s going to happen to Ben. It couldn’t be more than five minutes since he saw the responders take Ben from him, but the separation was already eating away at him. If the worst really happened, then he at least wanted to see him one last time.

“Hey, I can practically hear you think.” Jay’s voice suddenly sounded in his ear. He didn’t realize that he still had him on the phone. “He’s gonna be fine, Callum.”

“You don’t know that, Jay,” he scoffed as he rounded a corner. 

The other man sighed. “Okay, fine, I don’t know that. But it’s what I believe. And you have to believe that, too.”

Callum wanted nothing more than to believe those words. He wanted to believe that Ben was going to be okay. That _ they _were going to be okay.

But blind faith has a habit of screwing people over. Especially Callum.

* * *

The day felt like a hurricane had come and gone.

Once Callum and Jay got to the hospital, they were immediately seated in the waiting room. Kathy was already there, sitting down in one of the hard plastic chairs, eyes red and cheeks tear-stained.

He tried to get one of the doctors to tell him something about Ben’s condition. He even stopped a couple nurses that walked by, pushing for an answer or an update. 

Nothing seemed to work, so eventually he collapsed onto the chair next to Jay, and buried his head in his hands as he leaned his elbows on his legs.

He remembers the three of them just waiting there, unable to do anything to speed up the process. 

Callum thought he might go crazy. He hated feeling like he wasn’t in control. He was so used to it with Whitney, feeling like he was the dominant one in the relationship. But he supposed he should’ve gotten accustomed to it when he was with Ben. Ben was always the one who took charge. He wasn’t afraid to be the bigger man, always confident to take what he wanted.

In a way, Callum was envious of that. He wanted to be strong and sure of himself. He wanted to be confident in who he was. He wanted to be like Ben, a stubborn man who never took no for an answer.

No, he didn’t want to be like Ben. He wanted to be _ with _Ben. Maybe if they were ever to get together, then he could teach Callum a thing or two about being unashamed of anything.

Then the doctor had finally approached them, all of them standing up from the uncomfortable chairs. They stared at the older man, eagerly waiting for news of Ben. The furrow of his brow did nothing to calm any of them, though.

“How is he, doctor?” Kathy was the first to speak. Her words were soft-spoken, but he still heard a trace of unease and impatience.

“Mr. Ben Mitchell is still in a bad state, but for now, he’s stable.” The doctor calmly stated, no emotion breaking through his professional tone.

A wave of relief washed over the three of them. Jay and Kathy were able to sit back down, but Callum refused, still wanting to know more.

“Do you know what caused all this?”

“I noticed it’s only been a few months since Ben’s previous surgery. The tissue around the brain is still very sensitive.” Callum felt his knees buckle at the mention of the accident. The one that he still blamed himself for playing a part in. He was so overwhelmed with guilt that the rest of the doctor’s explanation seemed to whiz right over his head. There was something about a ruptured blood vessel, a clot that had been knocked loose. He couldn’t really pay much attention, his head thrumming at the thought of it all.

“I was with him all day… Was there anything I could have done to keep this from happening?” Callum said as soon as he found his voice. It was all raspy and shaky, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

The doctor was quick to respond. “He’s just lucky to have gotten immediate help. If he was alone, or if he hadn’t been admitted as fast as he did, then things would have ended up much worse.”

Callum barely nodded his head at that.

Jay was next to speak. “Can we see him, doc?”

“He’s just out of surgery right now, and he should get some rest first. But I’ll let you know as soon as you can visit.”

“Alright,” Jay let out, relief mixing with annoyance. He was just as antsy to see Ben as the rest of them.

As he watched the doctor turn and walk away, Callum couldn’t help but suddenly feel out of place. Now that he knew Ben was going to be, for the most part, fine, did he really have any reason to stay here? Kathy was his mum, and Jay was his brother. None of them knew what he was to Ben. Callum doesn’t even think he knows, if he’s being honest. Whatever he was, he reckons it’s best if only the two of them were there with Ben. 

“Um, Jay? I think I’m gonna head out.” He says, barely above a whisper.

Jay shoots him an equally shocked and concerned look. “What? Don’t you want to stay until we can see him?”

“N-No, it’s alright.” Callum offers a weak smile. “Really, it’s okay. Wouldn’t want to overwhelm him if… when he wakes up.”

Jay’s standing and stepping into Callum’s space. “If you’re really sure…”

“I am. And besides, somebody’s gotta look over the parlour while were still open.”

Jay rests a hand on his shoulder, and they walk a bit away into the hallway, far enough so Kathy couldn’t hear them. “You don’t have to do this, y’know.”

Callum meets the other man’s eyes, now completely showing him concern. “I… I have to, Jay. I can’t just sit around waiting. Especially since… I don’t even know if I deserve to be here.”

“Of course you deserve to be here. Ben would want ya here.”

Callum looks down at his shoes, and shrugs. “I just need to distract myself. Please, just let me do that.”

After a minute or two, Jay sighs. He doesn’t let go of the hand on his shoulder, though. “Okay. Whatever you need. But take care of yourself, too, alright? Ben’s gonna need ya when he comes to.”

Callum nods and turns to leave.

* * *

He’s not sure how he finds himself back at the hospital several hours later, the sun long gone and the moon glowing in the dead of night.

The pure exhaustion of the day had caught up with Callum. He had changed back into his suit and sat down at his office trying to fill paperwork and whatnot to keep his mind busy. A couple clients even came in, but he couldn’t recall any of their conversations. 

He had wanted to just fall into his bed and sleep away this god-awful day. But deep down he knew he wouldn’t be able to lie in his empty bed without Ben anymore. The realization that Ben could have died today—or back when he had his accident, or really any time at this point—had hit Callum like a freight train. It forced him to come to his senses, and figure out what he wanted.

And what he wanted was Ben. He wanted everything that Ben had to offer, and he truly was a fool for not realizing that sooner. Had it really taken a reminder of Ben’s mortality to make him do something about it?

The hospital was oddly quiet, save for the ever-present beeping of machines and footfalls of the nurses and doctors. He approached the room that he knew Ben was kept in, and was surprised to still see Kathy right outside, staring between the open blinds of the window. If he was being honest, he was hoping to have some time alone with him.

“Kathy, you alright?”

The older woman turned around, and softly smiled at him. “Callum. Glad you could make it.”

He returned the smile with a small one of his own. “Where’s Jay?”

“With Lola. They’re trying to distract Lexi. We didn’t want her worrying until we knew more.”

“Oh…” Callum trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

Kathy carefully studied him, though, and seemed to understand, if only a little. “You can go in if you want. I just finished in there and was about to head home.”

“Um, yeah, if that’s alright with you.”

Kathy closed the distance between them and enveloped Callum in a hug. “Of course it’s okay, dear. I was there when it happened, y’know. I saw how much you care for him.”

Callum didn't know what to say. He could only return the hug as he fought back the tears behind his eyes. “Thank you…”

“If you need anything, just call, okay?” Kathy whispered as she let him go. She gave one last smile before slowly walking away.

Callum watched as she left. He took a deep breath, and then pushed open the door.

There he was. He saw Ben lying in his hospital bed, countless tubes sticking out in various parts of his body. There was a ventilator still over Ben’s mouth, and his hair was floppy and messy. But none of it detracted from the man’s sheer beauty. Callum doesn’t think anything can.

He pulled a stray chair up to Ben’s bedside, and dropped himself on it. He reached for one of Ben’s hands, noticing how warm and soft they felt in his own. He doesn’t quite trust his words right now, worried he wouldn’t be able to say everything he wanted to. Instead, he gave his hand a light squeeze, then brought it up to his lips, giving a small kiss along his knuckles. He hoped that it was enough to let Ben know he was here for him. 

They never really needed words between them to know how the other felt anyway.

He leaned back in the chair, and tried his best to get into a comfortable position. He had changed once more before arriving, shedding his stuffy suit for his black hoodie and the jeans he had worn earlier. He pulled over his head the hood of his jacket, never once looking away from Ben’s resting form.

“Good night, Ben.”

* * *

The second thing that Callum noticed as he jerked awake was that he was in his bed, the morning sun barely poking through the windows.

The first thing was the figure that was sleeping beside him. A figure that he instantly recognized.

“Ben?” Callum whispered, unwilling to wake his lover from his peaceful rest. 

“Mmm…” Ben mumbled, burying his face into the pillow.

Callum grinned and moved closer to the other man. He wrapped his arms across his warm chest, and nuzzled Ben’s ear with his nose. He whispered once more. “Ben.”

“What…?” Ben drawled out, slowly turning in his arms. His eyes blinked open, still heavy with tiredness.

Callum sat up a bit, leaning an elbow on his pillow. He rested a palm against Ben’s cheek, thumb rubbing the light stubble. “Nothin’. Just wanted to see the beautiful blue of your eyes.”

Ben softly chuckled, pulling himself closer to Callum’s touch. “They’re definitely not as beautiful as yours.”

He let out a laugh of his own as he steadily dropped his head, capturing Ben’s lips in his. It struck Callum that he really had Ben under him in that moment. Warm, soft and solid against his chest. His hands unconsciously explored the man he had in his arms. Callum found it hard to stop touching him. He needed him so bad that his body yearned for more.

It suddenly became apparent to him that Ben was naked, as the hand that wasn’t cupping his face had drifted downwards, and lightly grazed Ben’s half-hard cock.

Soon, they separated and met each other’s gazes. Ben’s brows furrowed. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Callum shook his head, barely aware of the tears that streamed down his cheeks. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just… just happy to have you right here.”

Ben’s expression relaxed at that, and he took Callum’s face in his hands, staring intently at his lover. “I’m happy to have you here, too.”

He leaned down and kissed him once more, this time pushing gently at Ben’s lips with his tongue. He silently vowed to make sure Ben was always here. With him.

Ben moaned, mouth opening up for him. His sweet, savory taste filled Callum’s mouth as both of them closed their eyes. Callum tilted Ben’s chin upwards to deepen the kiss, their tongues gliding effortlessly together.

They briefly parted for air, both men a bit breathless. “What do you want, Cal?” Ben quietly whispered as he touched the sides of Callum’s head, fingers running gently through his messy hair. 

“I… I want you, Ben.” Callum mumbled, gaze focused on Ben’s reddening lips. “I need you.”

“Okay,” Ben softly replied, breath hitching as he let Callum claim his mouth again. 

The moans Ben let out sent shivers down his spine as he kissed his mouth, along his jaw, and down his neck. Callum nipped at the skin before sucking gently at the base of Ben’s throat, the stubble poking at his nose. 

Ben’s back arched, and Callum pulled away slightly, only for a pair of hands to grasp at his neck. “Don’t stop,” he heard Ben growl. “Remind me who I belong to.”

Callum grinned, eyes darkening as he growled back. He went back to kiss Ben’s throat, scraping his teeth lightly at the skin.

Ben moaned, tangling a hand into Callum’s hair. “Shit, Cal. That’s it.”

Callum recoiled in surprise and pleasure as he felt Ben reach for his own hardening cock. 

“Oh, Ben, fuck…” He rumbled, bracing himself against the mattress. He went to straddle Ben, hands now on either side of Ben’s body. He pushed himself forward into the touch, almost afraid that Ben’s grip alone would be enough to send him over the edge. “Yeah, that feels so good…”

“Are ya gonna come for me, Cal?” Ben whispered.

“I will,” Callum managed, his body tightening as Ben teasingly stroked his dick. “But… not yet.”

Ben’s expression shifted into one of confusion. “What do ya mean, baby?”

Callum rolled his hips onto Ben’s erection, pinching one of his nipples at the same time. Both of them gasped in pleasure as Callum suddenly felt brave. “I want you inside of me first.”

Ben’s head rolled helplessly against the pillow as Callum kept playing with his nipples. “A-Are ya sure?”

Callum smirked down at his lover. “I’m sure. I just want you.”

Ben moved to get up, but Callum stilled him with a press of his arse against Ben’s cock.

“Let me do all the work. Right now, it’s about you, Ben.” Callum leaned down further, taking a hardened nub in his mouth, flicking it with his tongue.

“Okay, okay,” Ben muttered, hands now twisting in the sheets of their bed. 

Callum grinned, enjoying every single, sweet second of their union. He watched as a picture-show of emotions flickered across Ben’s features. He went back to kiss him right then, feeling the pleasure, lust, and need for himself. He wildly flailed an arm towards the bedside table, hands knocking into various objects before finally grabbing onto the bottle of lube.

He let Ben’s mouth go and lifted himself up, reaching behind him to slick Ben’s cock, skimming a finger along Ben’s balls while he was at it.

Ben swore, head falling backwards and eyes shut closed. “Callum… please. I’m ready for ya. I need ya, too.”

Callum nodded. Eyes still trained on Ben’s handsome face, he slowly guided himself down on Ben’s dick. He bit his lip as he felt Ben slipping into him, stretching his arse apart. It never once failed to make Callum feel full and whole and complete. Once Ben was all the way inside of him, he let out a blissful sigh. “God, Ben… I love the way you feel inside me. I… I love you.”

Ben was staring intently at him now. “I love you, too.”

Callum nodded, laying a hand on Ben’s chest, right where his heart was. The steady beat he felt against his palm brought him solace. He closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in the way Ben’s dick twitched inside him. Ben’s hands slid over the curve of his arse and up his back, drawing him into another kiss.

Any nervousness was washed away with a press of Ben’s lips. He returned the kiss with as much passion and fervor as he could muster, like his life depended on it.

A part of him believed it did. Callum’s not convinced he could ever live another day without this.

As they pulled apart, Ben took hold of Callum’s dick. “Go ahead, baby. We’ll come together.”

“Okay…” Callum whispered as he began to slide up and down Ben. He felt the warm tip push into him and he rolled his hips slightly, letting Ben’s cock drag at his insides and prod at his prostate. He groaned low and throaty, all the while basking in the pleasure of having Ben in him, of having Ben be a part of him.

Callum leaned back, his breaths coming out in tiny pants. He felt his pulse quicken as he felt Ben’s hand slide on his own dick, the rhythm matching the one he felt inside him. “I’m so close, Ben.”

“It’s okay, let me have it, baby.” Ben whispered, his own voice breathless. He continued to twist Callum’s dick as he spoke. “Let go, Cal.”

With a sharp cry, Callum came, strings of white painting Ben’s bare chest. He gazed down at his lover with a growing smile, eyelids heavy with pleasure. 

Ben smiled back as he stiffened underneath Callum. “Oh, god, Cal…”

Callum could feel Ben’s own warm come fill him. “That’s it, Ben.”

He slowly fell atop Ben, arms lovingly wrapping around his lover. For a moment, they stayed locked together with Ben still inside Callum. They were both panting, neither caring that their chests started sticking together in a mix of come and sweat and saliva.

“That… That was amazing, Ben.” Callum softly mumbled into the other man’s neck, taking in Ben’s scent that persisted through all the sweat. “I love you so much.”

Through heavy breaths, Ben returned the sentiment. “I love you, too, Callum. So much.”

He didn’t want this moment to end. Ben was in his arms, safe from the world. “I wish this could last forever… I wish you would be mine forever.”

“I could be yours forever…” Ben whispered into his ear. “But first, you have to wake up.”

“What?”

“Wake up, Cal.”


	10. It's Easier to Be Alone Than to Be Lied To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben wakes up, and he and Callum have a chat. Will they be able to talk their way through their problems?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the long awaited update.
> 
> Apologies for taking way too long on this one. I'm almost done with the semester, so hopefully I'll be able to finish this story in a reasonable time :P

Callum wasn’t quite sure if it was morning or not. 

The blinds covering the few windows were shut, so there was only the fluorescent white lights to illuminate the room. The smell of antiseptic was nauseatingly sweet as it hit his nostrils, causing him to scrunch his nose in response. He could still hear the incessant beeping of a heart monitor, the consistency of it bringing him a strange sense of calm that clashed with annoyance. It may be a bothersome noise, but as long as it kept going, it meant that whoever was attached to the machine was still alive.

He shifted his body uncomfortably as Callum tried to sit up. The chair was far from luxurious, and his long limbs prevented himself from ever getting into a good sleeping position, no matter how he contorted himself.

The hood of his jacket fell back as he ran a hand through his hair, still hard and now a bit greasy from the product that was left overnight. He didn’t really feel like taking a shower yesterday—never found time to, really—but he could probably use one right about now. If anything, the warm water and hot steam would do wonders for the soreness spread throughout his body.

Callum stretched his arms over his head and gave a silent yawn before settling back into the chair. That’s when he noticed something straining against the faded blue of his jeans. A wave of embarrassment shot through him, his face heating up into a bright red. He slowly recalled the dream he had that night, and was faced with his body’s natural reaction to such. Morning wood was a common occurrence for any man, but to have it in the hospital was something else entirely.

Callum almost laughed. Until he remembered why he was even at the hospital in the first place.

His eyes refocused from sleepiness just as they landed on Ben’s still form. 

And just like that, his world came crashing down once more.

He was in the hospital because Ben had fallen unconscious, and hadn’t woken up yet.

He had slept in a tiny plastic chair because he didn’t want to feel alone.

He awoke to a morning erection because he had just dreamed of having sex with a man who doesn’t even remember they love each other.

When had his life become so fucking messed up?

Callum was saved from his inner turmoil as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He quickly pulled it out, thankful for the distraction.

“Mornin’ Cal.” Jay’s voice came through as he answered the call.

“Jay… morning,” he drawled out, voice still laced with tiredness.

“Kathy’s told me ya visited the hospital last night. Any news on Ben?”

“Nope. He’s still…” Unconscious, his brain supplied. “... asleep. He ain’t doing any better.”

“At least he ain’t getting worse, either,” Jay tried to reassure.

Callum sank back further into the uncomfortable chair. He stretched out his lengthy legs, heaving out a sigh as he tried to keep talking. “Yeah…”

After a couple seconds, he heard Jay take a deep breath of his own. “How are you doin’, mate?”

Callum scoffed, one side of his mouth twitching upward. “That a trick question?”

“I’m serious, Callum. Did ya even get some rest last night?” Jay’s voice suddenly sounded more serious. He almost squirmed in reaction. It wouldn’t get him anywhere to lie to his boss.

“Not… not really. I slept in Ben’s room.”

“You know those chairs are shit. They could barely hold a child let alone someone as tall as you.”

Callum hissed in discomfort as he tried to rub away the kink in his neck. “Yeah, I think I figured that out.”

Jay let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, Cal, I get that you’re worried about Ben. But ya gotta take care of yourself, too. You should’ve gone home and slept in an actual bed.”

“But I couldn’t…” Callum squeezed his eyes closed as he felt the all-too familiar sting of tears. “I couldn’t sleep by myself. Not without making sure he’s okay.”

Jay was silent then. Callum was wondering if the other man had hung up on him until a much softer tone made its way through the phone’s speaker. “You gotta stop thinking like that, Cal. Ben’s gonna be fine. He just needs some time to recover.”

“I really want to believe ya, Jay. But I…” Callum trailed off, suddenly unable to speak as he stood and walked over to Ben’s side. He lifted a trembling hand over the bed’s rail and rested it on top of Ben’s too-still hand. At least it was warm, which meant Ben was still here. Callum didn’t even want to think of how things could have ended up very differently.

He was so focused on the warmth and solace that touching his lover gave him that he almost forgot he was still on the phone with Jay.

“It ain’t your fault, either, Cal.”

Callum gave a small, sad smile at that. “I wish I could believe that, too.”

“Listen, how about you take the day off, ey? Don’t worry about work, I’ll handle it.”

His head snapped up at that. “Jay, you don’t hafta—”

“In the meantime,” Jay interrupted, not letting Callum turn him down. “Why don’t you make your way down to the playground. Lexi could use a bit more company. Think she’s getting kinda sick of me and Lola.”

Callum couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Lexi. Ben’s beautiful, feisty daughter. She was such a bright passionate fire, so much like her father. As he looked back down at Ben, he thinks a bit of fun with Lexi would be worth it. It would definitely be better than waiting around in the hospital, his bottom practically yelling at him not to sit back down in that stupid chair.

“You know what, Jay? That sounds great. I’ll be glad to spend some time with Lexi.”

“Good. You can pick her up from Lola at Kathy’s place. I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“See ya, Jay.”

Callum disconnected from the phone, and turned to leave before realizing he forgot something. He carefully leaned over Ben, and placed a soft, gentle kiss on his forehead. His lips brushed across Ben’s own as he pulled away, his hand lingering in his floofy hair.

“I’ll be back before you know it, Ben. I love you.”

* * *

The rest of that morning and afternoon was spent with playing various games with Lexi. Lola thanked him for being willing to spend time with the little girl, giving him a firm shoulder squeeze. They had walked down to the playground, hand in hand, and started at the swingset. Lexi demanded that he pushed her higher than her dad does, and Callum couldn’t help but indulge in her wishes. 

After that, they walked back to the Beale house and played a couple rounds of hide and seek before settling on the couch and watching some films he didn’t know the names of. 

Before he knew it, the sun was starting to make its descent in the sky as he tucked Lexi in for an early night. The poor girl really exhausted herself today, and Callum could admit that he too felt a bit winded. She had so much energy it was hard to keep up with her at times.

It didn’t help that his traitorous mind kept wandering off at times throughout the day. He didn’t pay much attention to it, but if he really tried—like really thought about it—then it would almost seem like this was a normal thing for him. To spend the day with Ben’s daughter as if she were his own, forgetting all about his problems as they played and ate sugary snacks. Then when the day came to an end, he could tuck Lexi into her bed, and he would go down the stairs so he could snuggle up with his boyfriend on the couch.

But as he said his farewells to Lola, and made his way through the stark white hallways of the hospital, the brutal truth would hit him like a bullet.

Lexi wasn’t his daughter, and Ben wasn’t his boyfriend.

Callum sighed, and found his way around to Ben’s room. As soon as he gets the chance, he promises to himself to make his dreams a reality. He’s spent too long in doubt and fear, but now? Now, he knows what he wants.

He wants Ben, and everything that comes with that beautiful man, flaws and all.

As he pushed open the door, he heard two very familiar voices, one of which was one that he yearned to hear again. His heart clenched at what that meant.

Ben was awake.

And he seemed to be talking to Jay as he caught the tail end of their conversation.

“—need to tell him. He deserves to know.” Jay said, his voice sounding a lot like that ‘protective brother’ tone he uses on Ben more often than not.

Ben looked like he was about to say something, but his mouth stopped as his eyes landed on Callum. Jay followed his line of sight and now both of them were looking at him. He felt like a deer caught in the headlights. His face probably showed that, too.

“Ben, you’re… awake.” Callum managed to let out.

“Alive and in the flesh,” Ben joked, a grin tugging at the edges of his lips. 

The pair of them stared into each others, Callum simply basking in the relief and joy he felt at finally seeing for himself that Ben was okay. He was going to be just fine.

Jay abruptly cleared his throat as he sat up from where he was sitting on the bed. “Right, well, I’ll leave you boys to it. Just try not to make a mess of those sheets, yeah?”

“Oi! There ain’t enough privacy here with all these people checking up on me every two seconds. Besides, I ain’t even a fan of hospital sex.”

Jay scrunched his face in disgust. Callum just laughed. A real, genuine laugh. He was almost out the door when he turned around and pointed a finger at his brother. “Hey, remember what we talked about, bruv!”

Ben waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, I got it! My memory ain’t that bad!”

Jay smirked, but as he shifted his eyes to Callum, he could see his features soften into a knowing look. Callum waved a hand to say goodbye, and as the door clicked back in place, the room was suddenly suffocatingly quiet.

Guess it’s time to make due on that promise.

Callum shifted his weight from one foot to another, not knowing where to start. “You, uh, you doin’ alright?”

“Perfect,” Ben sighed. “That is if you consider bein’ stuck in hospital when you’re perfectly capable of walking perfect.”

Callum cautiously made his way closer to the bed, slowly but surely closing the distance between them. “I’m sure the doctors are just makin’ sure you’re okay.”

Ben scoffed and turned his head to look away at the windows. The blinds were still shut. “Yeah, yeah, I know, but it don’t make the waiting any easier.”

Silence befell them once more, and Callum wasn’t really sure where to start. He supposes their conversation before Ben had… fallen would be a good place to start.

“Listen, Ben, I know I’ve made a right mess of things…” Callum began, having to take a deep breath in preparation. “But I’m really tryin’ to make it right. Especially with you.”

Ben was silent, his eyes seeming focused on anything but Callum, despite the relative bareness of the room. His head was still turned away, but Callum didn’t back down.

“I really want to do this with ya, Ben… don’t you want this, too?”

If it were anyone else, Callum might have missed the subtle shake of Ben’s head.

Callum furrowed his brows. “Ben—”

“Save your breath, Cal.”

“No. If we’re gonna make this work, then we gotta talk to each other. I wasn’t real good at that before… especially when it came to you. And look where that got us.”

“Hey, I’m a big boy.” Ben raised his voice as he turned his head, finally facing Callum, but not quite meeting his eyes. “I ain’t tryna excuse you or anything, but I can take responsibility for at least some of this.”

Callum huffed. “Okay, so we’re both guilty. Now that’s out of the way, can we please just talk? I don’t want this to end before it even gets the chance to start…”

Ben’s gaze dropped downward, his face almost unreadable. Except that this was Callum, and Callum could tell when Ben was well and truly upset.

“Do you... regret it?” Ben quietly spoke, just above a whisper. 

“Do I regret what?” Callum pushed.

“Being with me?”

Callum let out a sigh. “If I’m bein’ honest… I do regret the first time around. But that’s only because we did it wrong. So incredibly wrong. Yes, it was both of our faults, but I still can’t help but put most of the blame on me.”

Callum stopped to take a breath. Ben’s gaze was somewhere on his chest, but the man was letting him speak, so he continued.

“But I’ve been given another chance to put things right between us. I may have a failed engagement, and an ex who hates me, but I still have the chance to have you. I’m lucky… not everyone deserves a second chance, least of all me, but I’m not going to run away from this anymore.”

“But…” Ben finally spoke up, and Callum let him say what was on his mind. “You’re young, fit, and you say you’ve just come out. There’s a whole world out there. Why stay with a thug like me?”

Callum shook his head immediately, and soon enough there was no more space between them as he grasped the other man’s hand firmly, but gently, in his.

“You ain’t a thug, Ben. Not everyone can see that, but I can. And I still love ya, despite all the dodgy things you’ve done, but in no way do I think of you as a thug.”

“You say you love me…” Ben was staring intently at their joined hands, his voice now a bit shaky. “But it’s only been, what, three months since ya called off your engagement? Less than that even?”

“That don’t matter anymore. I know what I want now.” Callum brought Ben’s hand up to his lips, pressing soft kisses along his knuckles. “Especially after I came so close to losing you.”

They went silent again. Callum rested their joined hands back on the bed, and Ben was still looking down at that. Callum was almost tempted to put a hand on the other man’s cheek, and tilt his face up so that their eyes had to meet. But he had to take this slow. He was walking on really thin ice, and this was too important to rush and potentially mess up.

Ben started to whisper something, and Callum strained his ears to listen, not wanting to miss a single thing he said. “You know, there was this guy I knew... We was close mates… Bit square, but he’s one of the good ones. Still try to keep in touch, too.”

Callum looked at Ben, confusion lining his features. He wasn’t sure where he was going with this.

“He made the right decision to leave, though. Got the hell out before anything could happen to him. God knows bad things happen to the people who get too close to me.”

Callum immediately shook his head at that. “I’m sure there was more to it than that.”

Finally, Ben looked up and stared directly at Callum, the blue of his eyes somehow dulled, almost grey. Callum didn’t like that at all. “Maybe it’s best if we stay mates. I just don’t want anything happening to you cos of me.”

“Ben, I know I can’t promise you nothing is gonna happen to me, or you,” Callum started to lean down even closer, able to feel Ben’s shallow breaths on his lips. “But as long as we work on it together, I know we can make this last.”

Ben didn’t say anything as Callum lowered his mouth onto his, but at least he didn’t stop him from doing it, either. The kiss was chaste and over too quickly, but it wasn’t meant to lead into anything more. Callum wanted it to be a silent promise between them. That they’ll both work hard to make their relationship into something great.

“I love you, Ben. I just want you to know that.”

“I… I want to say I love you, too, Cal, but right now, I don’t think I can.” Callum’s face must’ve shown something, because Ben was quick to correct himself. “B-But, I want to! For some reason, I really, really want to. Can we… can we just take this slow? Please?”

Callum smiled the biggest smile he could. “Of course, Ben. Forget the past, alright? Let’s do this right this time, yeah?”

Ben gave a little smile of his own. “Yeah. Let’s do this right.”

* * *

As Callum left the room briefly to get the two of them some late night dinner, Ben sank back into his bed. He wasn’t really hungry, but Callum had insisted that they both get something to eat.

This was going to really tough. He never thought he’d get to have Callum like this again, especially after his accident at the cafe. When he felt himself losing consciousness, he had thought that he was about to die. Maybe that would have been best for everyone if he just wasn’t around anymore.

But now here he was in a hospital bed, waiting for Callum to get them some nasty cafeteria food. It was tearing him apart inside, seeing how eager and determined Callum seemed to really make it work between them this time. 

That just made lying to him all the more harder.

He knew he was only making his grave deeper, but Callum was so willing to put their past behind them. How was he supposed to tell Callum that he remembered everything?


	11. I'm Left With the Same Old Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum have started something new and brilliant between them, but how long can they last with what Ben is hiding?

Callum couldn’t believe this. How could Ben even think of doing this to him?

“Ben, how could you do that?!”

He snapped his head to the side to glare right into the blue of Ben’s eyes.

“I ain’t got no regrets, Cal.”

Now that was the wrong thing to say.

“Oh, you’re going to regret it!”

Ben wasn’t deterred, his face not faltering.

“Is that what you think? And what are you gonna do to me?”

“Ya really want to find out?”

“Bring it on, babe.”

That was all Callum needed to hear. Without warning, he lunged forward and grabbed onto Ben’s sides. Gathering as much strength as he could, he did the one thing that even bad-boy, tough-guy Ben couldn’t handle.

He twisted his fingers…

… And started tickling the other man.

Ben scrunched up his face and burst out in a fit of laughter. He tried to scoot back as far as he could on the couch, but Callum just followed and leaned forward, pinning the smaller man with his own weight. 

He couldn’t help but laugh, too, but at least he wasn’t as loud as Ben. His howls probably reached the parlour downstairs, but dealing with a slightly pissy Jay was worth getting to hear Ben’s genuinely happy laughs.

It’s been too long since he got to hear such a beautiful sound.

Ben was released from the hospital not too long after waking up. The doctors kept him around for some cautionary tests—ones that Ben begrudgingly refused to take at first—but once everything looked fine he was discharged in a matter of days. Callum was there by Ben’s side every step of the way, not willing to take his eyes off the other man until he was sure he was going to be okay. 

The fact that he and Ben decided to start a new, real relationship—can what they had before even be considered a relationship?—only fueled his deep-seated protective streak. They were going to do things properly this time around, but Ben’s welfare had to come first. He had temporarily moved Ben into his own flat so he could more easily watch over him, and had asked Jay to cover his shifts.

But besides another twin scar to accompany the old one that lined the back of Ben’s head, Callum was comfortable in saying that his boyfriend has recovered quite well.

Case in point, said boyfriend was currently pleading Callum to stop with the tickles, tears trickling out of his squeezed eyes. The sight would have made him stop immediately if not for the huge, toothy smile plastered on Ben’s face. He just wanted to keep it there for a little bit longer.

A loud noise escaped from the television, and both men turned their heads to read the message displayed across the screen.

_ ‘Game Over!’ _

“Ah, see what ya did, babe?” Ben groaned with a lingering smile. “Now we gotta do that whole level again.”

Callum didn’t move from his position, his chest still on top of the other man, but he did lift himself up on his elbows to get a better look at Ben. “Well, you’re the one who started it. How could even think that putting a portal right over the water was a good idea?”

“I thought it’d be funny to see your reaction!” Ben’s smile turned into a smirk as he let out a dramatic sigh. “And I gotta say, I wasn’t disappointed. You’re kinda sexy when ya put on your threatening voice.”

Callum grinned at the flash of dark emotion in the other man’s eyes. “Oh yeah? Do you like being underneath me like this, too?”

“You know it, babe.” Ben’s voice lowered to a whisper as he slowly pushed his hip upward. They were both only in their boxers, so there was very little in between their very obvious arousal.

Callum gasped, the friction he felt on his dick sending waves of pleasure throughout his body. He closed his eyes as he leaned back down to meet Ben’s lips in a sweet kiss.

Ben was quick to respond, opening his mouth to let Callum’s tongue explore. He could hear a deep, throaty hum from Ben, which his dick twitched in approval.

As the two of them continued to kiss and grind against each other, Callum let his hands drift to Ben’s hair, smoothing the soft curls with his long fingers. It wasn’t until his touch grazed too-fresh scar tissue that he suddenly stopped his movements. He tried to ignore the small whine that escaped Ben’s mouth.

Callum lifted himself up on his elbows again and looked down with furrowed brows. “Are you okay with this? Maybe it’s too soon to… you know…”

Coming down from his temporary high, Ben refocused his gaze on Callum, the blue of his eyes brilliant in the late morning light. “Babe, I ain’t some flimsy piece of glass. I’m not gonna break from a bit of sex.”

Callum could only shake his head. “I don’t wanna hurt ya.”

Ben’s face softened, and Callum could already feel his apprehension slipping away. “Then let’s take it slow. You ain’t gotta put your dick inside me right away.”

“Yeah?” Callum asked, his grin returning.

“Yeah.” Ben responded with no hesitation. “Besides, been awhile since I’ve had a nice blowie.”

Callum was full on smiling now as he chuckled. “Okay. Anything you want, Ben.”

He placed his lips back on Ben’s, this time kissing slowly and reverently, wishing to enjoy this for as long as he could. Hearing Ben’s low hums only encouraged his pace.

He sneaked a hand beneath Ben’s thin black t-shirt, his fingers skimming over the soft skin and little hairs. Soon enough, he had separated from Ben long enough to get them both out of their shirts, but didn’t go back to the other man’s mouth. Instead, Callum nuzzled into Ben’s neck, dotting little kisses as he trailed down his chest. He paid extra attention to his nipples, of course.

He could hear Ben moan as he traveled further down his torso, steadily approaching the now very apparent tent in Ben’s boxers. Placing one more kiss just above his hip, Callum looked up and met Ben’s hooded eyes. He gave a small smile as he used both hands to tug at the waistband. Ben lifted up just enough to let him pull the final piece of clothing off of him as he tossed it to the floor.

He took a moment to appreciate how Ben’s beautiful cock was laying eagerly on his stomach, the other man’s legs splayed between Callum’s. He jumped off the couch quickly to remove his own boxers, his dick just as hard and just as eager. He gave it a few tugs in anticipation.

Callum repositioned himself on the couch so that he had easier access to Ben’s dick without having to strain his neck and back. The couch was probably too small for this kind of activity, but Callum was too keyed up to really want to move them to the bed. Judging by the way Ben was looking at him with such want and desire, he doesn’t think Ben wanted to waste time moving either.

He leaned over one more time to kiss Ben on the lips, then swiftly moved down to where the shorter man’s cock awaited him.

“Please, Cal… I want ya so bad… I—“

Ben was probably gonna say something else, but Callum quickly shut him up when he licked his tongue in that spot just below the head of his cock. He thoroughly enjoyed the small yelp of surprise that came out of Ben’s mouth instead.

“That felt good, Ben?” Callum teased as he continued to lick along the underside of the other man’s length. 

“Shit, Cal,” Ben loudly whispered.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,” he smugly replied, grinning at the incoherent noises Ben was letting out.

Once Callum was satisfied with his plentiful teasing, he decided to get to the main event. He heard Ben gasp as he closed his mouth around the head of his dick.

“That’s it, Cal,” Ben let out as he used a hand to run his fingers through the short hairs around the base of Callum’s neck.

As he steadily went from slow, meticulous sucking, to hard, wet suction, Callum could hear Ben helplessly gasping in pleasure. He could tell his boyfriend was trying to keep his hips still, desperately resisting the urge to thrust up. Ever the gentleman, he thought, but he threw an arm across his torso just to be safe. He might still be a little new to all this, but nothing was more of a boner-killer than choking, that he knew from experience. Ben could get a bit wild sometimes.  


Ben was making all sorts of noises up there. He had to strain his ears to hear above the admittedly sloppy sounds he was making on Ben’s cock, making out a litany of curses, moans, and Callum’s name. It washed over him as he got lost in the taste and feel of Ben. Sensations he thought he’d never get to have again. Sensations that he wanted to feel forever. 

As he bobbed his head up and down, Callum used his free hand to rub his own very needy dick, the thing already leaking pre-come.

“Babe… I’m gonna…” Ben quietly warned.

Callum could practically feel the way Ben’s cock was starting to swell, so he pulled off, and raised his head to look at his lover. The other man’s eyes were completely shut now, his mouth agape, and Callum smiled at how he was the one to put that blissful expression on Ben.

He replaced his mouth with the hand that rested on his stomach, and fondled Ben’s balls with his other. Not even a couple strokes later saw Ben coming with a low whine all over the skin of his torso.

Callum was still trying to get his breath back as he leaned his forehead against Ben’s hip. He suddenly felt Ben’s hands on his shoulders, eagerly pulling him up for a kiss. It was messy and uncoordinated, but neither of them cared.

Ben kept dragging on the skin of his back, trying to move Callum so that his knees were straddling Ben’s chest. He loudly exhaled as the anticipation from this very moment exploded like fireworks in him. 

Giving Ben free rein, he watched in awe as Ben sat up a bit to suck around the base of Callum’s cock. He could almost scream at the torturously slow pace Ben was employing, inching closer toward the head, dotting light kisses as he moved along his length. Instead, he whimpered as he shifted his weight, bracing a hand on the wall to the side of him, the other stroking gently through Ben’s wavy hair. A contrast to the way Ben’s hands were firmly squeezing his ass. 

Ben opened his eyes and looked up, the ocean blue of his eyes still mesmerizing, and Callum couldn’t look away. The intense passion he saw could almost burn a hole in his retinas, a wave of pure love rushing through him. “Fuck, Ben…” he let out, his grip getting tighter on his boyfriend’s hair. “I’m close.”

He shifted back to sit on his heels, Ben letting go of his cock with an oddly satisfying pop. His hand wasted no time and picked things right back up. Their eyes were locked, and with one fast, slick stroke Callum was sent over the edge, streams of come lining Ben’s chest. 

“Oh my god…”  His legs wobbled as Callum flopped on top of the man below him. He felt Ben scoot over, giving Callum just enough room to settle in between the back cushions and the warm body his lover. He threw a leg over the other man’s thighs as he nuzzled into the crook of Ben’s neck.

“That… that was amazing babe.” Ben spoke as they both took a moment to catch their breaths.

“You’re welcome. Not too shabby yourself, you know.” He responded as he pulled his head back to just stare at the handsome man—_his_ handsome man.

“What’re you lookin’ at? I ain’t got come on my cheeks, do I?” Ben joked.

“I just love it when you smile.” Callum grinned, too, settling back on Ben’s shoulder. “Then again, there ain’t much about you I don’t love.”

Ben chuckled, the rumble of his chest soothing.

Callum felt like he was in heaven.

* * *

Ben felt like he was in hell.

Sated after their little morning escapade, Ben pushed Callum off the couch to get them a damp washcloth. He returned not long after, scrubbing both their chests clean, a smile plastered on his face the whole time.

They both went for their clothes that were haphazardly tossed to the floor, shut off the game and television, and moved to the bedroom. The couch was comfortable enough for Ben, but once big, tall, and long Callum laid with him the furniture suddenly felt so much smaller. Good thing he didn’t bother to make their bed after they woke up, despite Callum’s complaints.

_Their_ bed.

Ben’s not entirely sure what to think of that. They were finally together—boyfriends for god’s sake!—and he should feel overjoyed at that. So then why doesn’t it feel that way at all? Why does he feel like he doesn’t deserve this or Callum at all? Why does it feel like a lie?

Then Ben remembered.

It was all a lie.

A lie that he’s been making bigger and worse the longer things go unspoken between them.

Ben knew deep down that he had to tell Callum about his memories, or more specifically the fact that he’s regained enough to say that he loves him. The months that he had lost were still a tad hazy, the details of the things that happened visible, but blurry and out of focus. He can pick out the feelings he harbored for the other man, that love that ran further deep than he thought possible, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly the things they did, or he did, to make him feel this way.

But now, Callum was doing a real good job at ignoring their past, seemingly dedicated to this new one they’re just starting.

That’s what’s been holding Ben back. The relationship he has now with Callum is completely separate to the one they had previously, so what does it matter to them anymore?

He stretched his suddenly tense limbs as he laid sprawled in bed, Callum tangling their legs as he pulled Ben close. He had a protective arm wrapped across his now clothed chest, but Ben could still feel the warmth the other man radiated without even trying. 

Ben’s mind was getting tired from thinking too hard about this whole messed up situation, so he reluctantly settled against Callum’s comforting weight, and let sleep take him the rest of the way.

* * *

_ The wedding was supposed to happen in less than a week. _

_ Jay had brought Ben home—or rather dragged, really—after finding him hunched over the bar, surrounded by too many empty glasses. He gave the typical brotherly scolding, and then left him to wallow in his own sorrows at home. When Ben went downstairs minutes later, he found the fridge completely empty of the beer bottles he knew were supposed to be there. _

_ Fuck you, Jay. _

_ Though, the rational part of his brain that was getting slightly less muddled from alcohol told him he shouldn’t get mad at Jay. He was only trying to help after all—picking up all of the broken pieces of him and doing his best to put him back together. _

_ He knew who he should really be angry at. _

_ Fuck you, Callum. _

_ Suddenly his mind was clouded from drunkenness, heartbreak, and hatred. He burst out the back door, practically sending the door off its hinges, and found himself striding over to the funeral parlour.  _

_ Jay had given him a spare key to the place for that one time they spent an entire night reorganizing files. He either didn’t care that Ben still had it, or he forgot that he even had it at all. _

_ He let himself into the building and immediately traveled up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. _

_ But as soon as he approached the familiar door, all that fiery determination and conviction left him in an instant. _

_ This was a bad idea, but Ben pressed forward. He might as well know where he stands. _

_ He managed a soft knock, and leaned on the edge of the doorway, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.  _

_ He sucked in a breath as Callum opened the door. _

_ “Hiya,” Ben whispered. He couldn’t bring himself to meet the other man’s eyes. _

_ Callum was silent for a moment, and he didn’t know if it was shock, relief, or repulsion he saw lining his features. When he did finally speak, his voice was low and wavered. “Ben… what’re ya doin’ here?” _

_ “Just wanted to come see ya.” His voice didn’t sound right, even to Ben himself. He definitely had too much to drink tonight. He bit his lip before continuing. “Can I come in?” _

_ “Um… yeah, yeah. Whit’s stayin’ with Tiff until… y’know.” _

_ Ben only nodded as he omitted that last part, not wanting to even think of the words that would follow. _

_ The two made their way into the flat, both moving slowly under the suddenly tense air. Ben looked around the room, focusing his gaze on anything but Callum. The place was a mess. “Everything alright?” _

_ “Yeah, course it is.” _

_ Here they go again with the lies, and the typical argument to follow. Ben tried his hardest to bite back his tongue from spewing out some sarcastic rebuttal, even though he really wanted to. Instead, he shut his eyes and drew a ragged breath. “I know you don’t mean that, Callum.” _

_ “Ya don’t know me that well, then, cos I do mean it.” _

_ He might as well have stabbed Ben’s heart. “Callum, please…” _

_ “I know what you’re gonna say Ben. I don’t need to hear it again.” _

_ Ben’s face scrunched up, his brows furrowed together and lips turned downward, as the frustration in him was reignited. “Clearly, ya do! Are you really going through with this mad wedding?”  _

_ “Yes, I am.” Callum said with an unapologetic stare. “And nothin’ you say is going to change my mind.”  _

_ Ben shook his head, his own eyes becoming glossy. He took some steps forward, closing what felt like a chasm between them. He watched as Callum closed his eyes, refusing to look straight at him. He lifted a hand to cup the side of his face, surprised at how damp it felt. His thumb stroked along the other man’s jawline. “Don’t listen to my words, then.” _

_ Ben pushed up against Callum, pressing his lips on his. They were warm and soft, just how he remembered. He could almost fool himself into thinking he won as he felt Callum lean into the kiss. It just made Ben want more of what he knew he couldn’t have. _

_ He should have expected the hands that were pushing on Ben’s chest. They pushed until Ben was forced to take a step back, their mouths abruptly separating. Ben mentally kicked himself as he heard the whimper that came out of his own mouth. The last thing he needed was Callum seeing how weak he really was. _

_ “We… we can’t be doin’ this anymore.” _

_ “But Callum—” _

_ “No!” The shout startled him as he flinched back. “I’m… I’m marrying Whit, and that’s final.” _

_ Ben knew it was futile at this point to hide the pain he felt. Those stupid drinks always did make him into an emotional piece of garbage. “You can’t be serious… You’re lyin’... I know you are!” _

_ “I… I’m sorry, Ben. I really am… But—” _

_ “Well, you can’t be that sorry if ya spittin’ lies right in my face!” _

_ “But this has to end. Now.” _

_ Ben tried to move towards him again, but Callum just took another step back. Ben’s arms fell to his side. “So what? You think I’d just walk away from this? From us?” _

_ “There is no us! And there ain’t gonna be one!” _

_ “Callum—” _

_ “I mean it Ben!” _

_ “Please, I know we can work if you’d just give us a chance!” _

_ “Just leave me alone!” _

_ “I can’t! I love you!” _

_ A blanket of silence befell them. Ben’s lungs were desperately trying to get air, his breaths rough and erratic. His legs were surely going to give out soon. It was finally out there, and Ben wasn’t sure if he himself should believe in the words that spilled out of his mouth. _

_ Callum looked at Ben with wide eyes and an open mouth. Ben dropped his head down as the weight of what he just admitted hit him like a bus. “I… I love ya.” _

_ The silence was deafening. Come on, you coward. Say something! _

_ “I think you should go. And don’t think of coming back.” _

_ And there it was. The final straw that broke his entire resolve. He felt tears flowing down the sides of his face, his hands trembling as he stuffed them into his pockets. He didn’t risk a glance at Callum as he turned on his heel and rushed out the door.  _

_ Why did he think he should do this? What good even came from having his heart ripped into shreds? _

_ As Ben ran across the square, he went to the one final place that he felt safe in. _

_ The Beale house was no home to him. He never really felt like he belonged there with all those people. _

_ The Mitchell house wasn’t any better. He didn’t even want to deal with his dad tonight. _

_ Jay wouldn’t want to deal with Ben for a second time in the span of two hours. He didn’t want to burden him anymore than he already had. _

_ The Albert and Vic would surely be closed by now, too. He doesn’t think more drinks would be good for him anyway. _

_ So he sprinted right inside the small cabin of the car lot, his face burning from the cold night air, made worse by the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. He leaned against his desk, pushing anything and everything off of it as he tried to compose his breathing. He screamed as loud as he possibly could until he burst into sobs. _

_ He doesn’t know how long he stayed like that. Minutes, hours, days. He didn’t care anymore. His eyes were red-rimmed, his tears running out a long time ago. His blurry gaze looked at the mess he had made on the floor. Papers and pens were scattered everywhere. A small picture frame of Lexi sat in a pile of broken glass. _

_ Then his eyes landed on a set of car keys that had fallen as well. He dropped to his knees and carefully lifted the keyring between his fingers. _

_ An idea struck him then. The metal in his hand suddenly felt like his holy grail. _

_ He knew what he had to do. _

_ He had to get out of here. _

_ He can’t be here anymore. He doesn’t want to live here anymore. _

_ Ben dashed out of the building and went straight for the car that was paired with the key in his clenched fist. He stabbed it into the ignition, the car roaring to life. He pulled out of the lot quickly, and just drove wherever the roads took him. _

_ He thinks he’s left Walford hours ago, but then again the passage of time seemed meaningless to Ben now. It was raining hard, the car’s windshield wipers struggling to keep up with the downpour. _

_ This was as bad as any other of Ben’s ideas. He could get arrested for DUI, or driving a car that wasn’t exactly his. But he didn’t care. _

_ Just like nobody seemed to care about him. _

_ Kathy had abandoned him, pretending to be dead. _

_ Phil was a shit dad who couldn’t even give him two shits, let alone parental love. _

_ Lola and Lexi had Jay now to replace him. They didn’t need Ben messing up their lives any more than he’s messed up his. _

_ Then there was Callum...  _

_ The man that he had just declared his love for. _

_ That same man was about to get married to a wonderful girl. They’ll surely live happily ever after. _

_ Ben’s tears were back in full force now as he yelled in agony to no one and everyone. He smacked his hands against the steering wheel, and even slammed his forehead against the hard material. He just wanted to feel something, anything, but the anguish that threatened to consume him. _

_ He didn’t see the upcoming turn, and the car drifted across non-paved ground as it charged ahead. The rain made the dirt impossibly slippery, so the car had no issue with driving forward. _

_ Then the car was falling as nothing stopped it from diving front first into the River Thames.  _

_ Ben didn’t even care as he lurched forward in his seat and his head collided with something sharp, his consciousness fading almost immediately. _

* * *

Ben jumped from his sleeping position as he took in a shaky breath. His heart was pounding as he looked around the room, the familiar wallpaper and scent bringing him back down to reality.

Callum reacted almost immediately, eyes shooting open as he woke up, too.

“Ben? You alright?”

Ben snapped his head to the side to see Callum there, worried eyes meeting his own red-rimmed ones. He was immediately engulfed in the other man’s lean arms, his warmth steadily replacing the cold chill that traveled down his spine.

Callum was here. He was real, and he was his.

Ben couldn’t do this anymore. He knew now that he shouldn’t have this. He doesn’t deserve him. He didn’t back then, and he certainly doesn’t now after lying and betraying his trust.

“Babe, come on, talk to me, please,” Callum quietly pleaded.

It took all of Ben’s strength to push Callum away. He scooted to the side of the bed as he threw his legs out of the sheets, his feet hitting the suddenly cold floor.

He had his back to Callum as the other man spoke, his voice tinged with concern. “Ben?”

“We… we shouldn’t be doing this, Callum.”

“What? What’re you on about?”

“I…” Ben flinched as he felt Callum put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s something you should know.”

“And what’s that Ben? You can tell me anything, and we’ll deal with it together, yeah?”

“No, no, you don’t understand.” Ben whispered.

Callum’s voice lowered as he wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. “Please tell me, babe. You’re scarin’ me…”

“I… I remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Everything...”

Silence.

“... and that’s why we can’t be together.”


End file.
